One More Time to Kill the Pain
by JapanCat
Summary: Basically Mukuro's past. Don't you remember me father? The daughter you loved to torture....?
1. Ritardando

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Rating: T (may go up)  
****Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. Quit asking.  
****Notes/ Warnings: Hello. Anyone who knows me from my other stories Welcome back. Anyone who happened to stumble upon this story: Welcome.  
****Now that my introduction's over lemme tell you a bit about this fanfic. It's a challenge I threw on myself. What I'm doing is writing a fanfic about Mukuro's past. Now if you read the summary, you would know that. I was reading a fanfic by W31rD0-and-Id10t a while back and she mentioned that there were no fanfics about Mukuro's past. So I though "What the hell?" and did it. And the reason everyone does Hiei is because too many people like him that much. Also Kusanagi Mamoru also a wrote one shot about her past. This chapter is really similar to that but personally I think she did a better job...  
****On criticism. Flames are openly accepted. If you want an intelligent reply from me, you start it off with an intelligent review. No "Mukuro sux. I hate u." or "You suck. Your stories all suck." First off, I won't take you seriously if you use chatspeak. Secondly, I'll slap you for saying Mukuro sucks when you're reading a story about her. Lastly, gimme a reason here! Maybe something like "Your grammar needs a bit of work, spelling too. Really out of character. This is inaccurate what happened was..." If you think you could write something like this better than me, do it so you can prove it. No one word reviews either. I'm not pinning you down and telling you to review. I just wanna know someone's reading and I think the hits can help me out. Just be patient if this takes a long time to update. My profile explains it.  
****One more thing before we begin, if I put Hiei/ Mukuro content (chances are I won't) don't get all "Hiei's mine, you bitch!" on me. It's not like that and never will be. It's proven in the Three Kings Saga and ask Togashi yourself and he'll say they end up together. Personally, I'll lose all faith in the person who's in love with an anime character. Well, let's start, shall we?**

_Chapter 1: Ritardando_

"_That day's coming again... Please... Don't let it come. Just kill me now... I don't want..."_

_-.-.-  
_

Don't you remember who I am, Father? The daughter you used to torture? Or was it when you sold me into slavery that you forgot about me? It's too bad I haven't forgotten. And god, I know how much I wish I could just erase it. I don't know what gives you the right to let it go when I have to continue to live with the sin... Live with all the pain. But of course, you can't comprehend that, can you? It's a little too difficult for you to figure it out...

When did it begin? I don't remember? Why did it begin? The real question should be if I want to know what went on in that disgusting mind of yours when you made the decision to make me what I was. You used to tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me, yes. But words are only words. And I was just one of many that you had in your possession... You just liked to think I was special. You used to call me your pride and joy... That I were the only one for you. Like we were lovers...

Were you angry to find that you had no life to suck away anymore? I cost a lot to make into the I am freak inside, didn't I? So I just wasted a good investment in your meat factory, didn't I? So that one time you saw me making it go to waste it was more of seeing that I was wasting something that was an investment. It was more like killing the animal you were waiting so many years to sell off to the highest bidder. What did you do when you found I escaped slavery and became king of northeastern Demon World? Did you even know it was me? Did it ever once cross your mind?

Don't you remember when it started? Back when my eyes used to be empty? I doubt you even forgot that I was even ever in your hell of a house.

You used to beat me, your own flesh and blood. Beating me until I coughed up blood. One hellish day to the next, it still continued the same way. For every cry I uttered, for every plea for you to finish me, you beat me harder. Everyday I prayed that one day you would finally kill me. But that plea was never heard. So every day I gained at least three new scars mental or not. And every bit of pain you caused me was supposed to convince me that I should never leave you. I don't know the logic of that...

But that was only the beginning. The day I dreaded the most was my birthday.

I don't think I remember the days as a virgin. I only remember you taking it away. I hated my birthday- the day you would rape me. It was far before I even knew what sex was. I remember that first time too well. Even when I was that young, I knew that I should leave.

I was outside hiding from you in an attempt to avoid your beatings. Then you came out a smile on your face obviously scheming. I stared at you knowing it was the fear in my eyes that gave you the look of triumph. Instead of raising your hand at me like I expected you to, you picked me up and carried me to your bedroom. Though I didn't understand what was happening, I still tried to fight back like I did any of your other beatings. But no... I was overpowered.

After hours of intense agony, it was all over. You laid there stroking my hair that clung to the sweat on my cheek like I was your pet. I was telling myself to go away right that moment but my body wouldn't move. I was too weak. Then I realized that you would still catch me. It was no use... So I just laid there feeling as though I had been torn in half, and it was one step away from being there. I could feel the torn flesh inside me and the blood dripping between my legs. I laid there letting the tears roll away, not caring if I would get hit for it. If you did, I hoped that you would finally kill me. No, you continued to stroke my cheek probably thinking it was only sweat.

And then you kissed me with your sour mouth, that sourness I never can forget, and you told me you loved me and that I was beautiful. And that was one lie that fell out of the endless stream of shit that poured out of your mouth... Then you let me go free once again telling me you loved me.

Love? Is that what you call what you've done to me? The way you tortured me all those years? Was that love? If that was what all you did truly was, then I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. And frankly it sickens me how easily people say that they love each other... If love is real...

Those next years were all the same. And not one day passed without me wishing I was dead... Hoping that one day the damage would be enough to kill me. And just as I've said before, those pleas were never answered...

I remember the day I tried to run away. It was the morning of my sixth birthday. I ran straight out of the house before you woke up. I remembered thinking,_ Where do I go on? What if he finds me before I'm gone?_ I thought. _Wait. I could just go into the forest. I just need to stay on the path. And I'll find somewhere else to go from there!_

I ran through the forest as fast as I could. Just as I stopped to catch me breath, I realized that I left the path. I looked around frantically._ Where am I gonna go now? What if I keep going and it turns out I went back home?_ I thought of you and what you would do to me if I came home. No, it wasn't home. It was more like a prison. Even then, I knew that.

"Mukuro!" Your voice called out in the distance.

_Good god! He knows I left!_ I heard you coming closer. I knew that when you quieted your voice down that you sensed me. _What to do? Do I run away and try to get away from him or stay and take the punishment? If I run away and he catches me, maybe he'll be twice as bad and won't kill me like always... If I stay..._

"There you are!" you cried, that disgusting grin on your face. If only I could have killed you... "Well, I was mighty worried that you were kidnapped, girlie. And I wouldn't know what I'd do if my pretty little flower was taken away from me. I'd just have to get a few people killed. Yes, I would... But I guess you aren't my darling little girl like I thought you were. Unless..." You scratched your chin. "Unless, it was all a child's game. Yes, yes. A game of hide-and-seek. Yes, yes. Well, isn't that just precious?" And like the classless pervert I took you for, you took me right there.

You probably wonder why I let that happen when I could have ran during your scatterbrained speech. When it comes down to it, did I really have a real choice? If I ran, you would still catch me- you would always catch me... you always had a way to catch me- and I would have suffered that same fate. And I knew you were too stupid to notice I ran away for a purpose.

Or did you know and that was my punishment?

In truth, I was still a slave before you sold me away. I was your slave and from that day I thought there was no way I could escape from the chain that binds you and I too close together.

_What if this is my fate? No this can't be my fate. I would kill myself first before admitting that I was going to be stuck like this. I would just have to defy destiny. And I need a way to escape you. I don't care if I die trying. I want to be free._

But how was I to escape when there was nowhere to run? ...Or was there?

I finally found my escape on my seventh birthday. By that time, I had just about given up all hope on escape. I'd already tried all ways to protest against what you were doing. Perhaps if you knew how your daughter was suffering, you would stop. I was wrong. It fell on deaf ears. In fact, it grew to the point where you just found something erotic in that whole situation.

I hid away where you kept your treasure wondering why you could do this to your own daughter- your own flesh and blood. _Maybe I could kill you... No, you could kill me first. I refuse to run away again because I knew you would catch me again. _Every plan I had you could destroy.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My dark blue eyes were red from crying. My hair was a dark red. My skin was pale from the lack of sun... And I looked like you. You...

I shattered the mirror, screaming in rage. _I hate you, father. I hate you and this face you gave me._

That was when I remembered those words you pounded in my head. I remembered how you always told me I was beautiful. What if...?

_What if I took the beauty away and made myself hideous? Then I would be free! But how? _I looked up and I saw a basin you kept full of acid (I never did find out why you had that.) above me. _That was it..._

I piled some boxes together so I could climb to reach the basin. I reached up. No, I was still a bit short. I lost my balance. I grabbed onto the shelf to keep myself from falling but the shelf came loose. I fell backwards, the basin falling on my face.

Pain... Burning into my face... Going down from the right side of my face down my neck through my right arm moving down until it stopped at my waist. Through that whole time I allowed myself but one scream of pain but I wouldn't shed a tear. There was nothing to cry about anymore. The pain would all be worth it in the end. I remember thinking _I'll finally be free... I just need to..._

You came into the room. I knew you saw the basin knocked to the floor. "The hell...?" You came closer and turned me so I could face you. "Mukuro, what the fuck did you do? You look... What the hell you look disgusting! You're ruined!"

You smacked me so hard that I passed out. And for that one moment, I thought that I'd awake in a ditch somewhere. Anyone would think such a thing would be worse than death... But that only meant a thousand miles away from you. That meant freedom...

Escape? Freedom? I couldn't have been more wrong.

**End chapter 1**

**EDITOR'S NOTES: Hey, this is me at age eighteen. I was fourteen when I wrote this and that was a time when I didn't believe in checking for typos. That was also a time when I had no real sources for Mukuro's fast except the anime and the internet. Now I see just what the hell is wrong with this. I dunno what compelled me to write this but I did... I tried to add something else along the way to make this work... It didn't work out. I tried my best to fix it up. The biggest problem is that I wrote this like Mukuro was the only one there. This obviously wasn't true. I also wrote Chikyou (her fucked up dad) like he was skinny... Yeah... Way wrong. (Hiei has issues with fat people, apparently. I mean- Tarukane and now...) Anyway, I tried my best to fix this... Some things were irreparable. This chapter, especially.  
**


	2. Crescendo

**One More Time to Kill the Pain  
Notes: Welcome back. To anyone who reviewed, thanks, you guys rock. To anyone who is actually going to read this to the end, you're great. Anyone who said, "Screw it, I'm not waiting!" and left… Well, I kinda lost respect for you… Anyway… I always have something to say up here but they rarely have anything to do with the story… Sorry… Uh… What else, what else…? I don't know where to end the story so if you have a suggestion, that'd be great 'cause I doubt I could have it go to when she reveals she's a woman in the Tournament… (sadness) On with chapter 2.**

-.-.-  
_Chapter 2 Crescendo _

I awoke what I was the next day in the dark. I sat up. As I moved, I heard a strange noise and touched my wrist. I didn't feel anything. I squinted in an attempt to see the source of the noise. Shackles. There were shackles on my wrist. I knew I would become too familiar with them.

I walked around to try to figure out where I was and walked into bars. I was in a cell. Physically imprisoned.

I backed away from the bars of the cell. I sat with my back against the closest wall I came to. I tried to feel my surroundings with my right hand. I realized that I felt no sensation of heat or the stone on the ground. I touched my hand. Metal. So I damaged my arm enough to have to get an implant.

I couldn't scream. _I did it to myself… The hell I got from you is over but am I damned to this prison forever?  
_

_Apparently not._ I heard footsteps coming from down the hall. A light from a man's torch illuminated the cell, almost burning my eyes from its brightness. He grumbled inaudible words under his breath. He stood before me his eyes leaving my gaze once he looked upon my face. He lifted me to my feet by the chains of the shackles and dragged me away to work. He barked his orders but I did nothing to assure him I was listening. He barked the orders again but I still didn't understand.

"Do you not understand me, you stupid bitch?" he screamed. He smacked me and before I could recover, he beat me until I started coughing up blood. Still, I never died. Spared again… And that was when I knew that I would continue to be so painfully alive again... "You're a slave now! Don't you forget it, whore! I own you body and soul!"

As I lay there I wondered what I slave was and what he meant by owning me body and soul. I always thought it was possible to own someone but I never saw a reason why someone would want to do that. I never heard about owning someone's soul. Was it possible that he had owned my soul? I used to think not, using that as a fuel to the flames of rebellion. Once I really thought about it, he did. He got under our skin by repeatedly telling us he owned us all body and soul and began to control our soul. In a way, we were all soulless creatures and we all accepted that.

I remember after that beating another slave told me "There's no use in trying to rebel. We are what we are and there's no way to change that. People like us, we don't belong no place so don't try to go nowhere else."

For a while, I wondered if what he said was true. But then I would still have to prove him wrong.

-.-.-

Every once in a while we would be able to have pieces of a conversation.

"What d'ya mean 'What's a slave?' It's what you are!"

"What do you care anyway? It's not like you'll really need to know! How's it going to help you anyhow?"

"Why do you ask such foolish questions, child?"

"You don't need to know to survive."

But in all conversation I knew that I wasn't really let in. I was an outcast to everyone because of my ideas about escape. Even when I was what people generally called the "outcast of the living" I was still alone.

The only real conversation I ever got from someone was this: "Why you wanna escape?"

"So I can be free."

"So what if you did escape and you're 'free'?"

"I'll think about it when I get there."

"What if you don't?"

"I will."

"Yeah, well, I wanna get out as much as you do but I don't go and yell it at everyone. I got over myself and accepted being a slave. I mean, what if this is what's meant for me?"

"How do you know it is?"

"How do you know it isn't?"

"If there is a god out there that listens to us, why would they let this happen to their people? And why do we have to accept being slaves?"

"Why do you have to question what's chosen for you? Whatever chooses what happens to us doesn't give a shit if you want to be a slave or not. It just makes you do it. And it makes sure that if you turn on it, you'll get bit on the ass for it. If you do leave, you can't get nowhere 'cause you don't belong no place like I told you! And also we'll have these goddamn shackles on us so people could either take us as their slave or take us back to this bastard! And if you somehow get these things off no one would want you around 'cause you scare the living shit out of people with your face! That's why the master isn't sticking his prick in you like he does the other girls! So you know you can't try and go sell your body to someone!"

"I wouldn't even if I didn't do this to myself."

"Then what the hell're you planning to do then?"

"I'll find something. Like I said, I'll think about it when I get there."

"Pssh. You're beside yourself. And how'dy a expect to escape?"

"I learned a long time ago that running away is futile because I would still get caught. There's only one way to escape- the master must die. And if anyone else objects, then they can go with him. If that's what it takes, then having some blood on me will be worth it. You don't need to listen to him when he says there's no way out."

"You're gonna kill him? Who do you think you are? You don't have the strength to kill the asshole yourself. No one else is crazy enough to help you neither! Accept your fate!"

Complete isolation. No one looked at me again. _Maybe I was never meant to be around other people… _

-.-.-

A few months later another girl was bought by the master. She was probably somewhere in her teens. She was showing early signs of development and that was the only way I could guess her age. That first day she spent crying and everyone around her just tried to shove her along so she would just get some work done. One man who stops an assembly line stops the production- rule one of slavery. She finally spoke when she was weeping on someone's shoulder.

"I don't wanna be here…" she whispered.

"Yeah, well, none of us do neither," the other slave replied, looking around nervously, hoping no one heard her. Rule two of slavery- if you so much as hear a hint of rebellion, the person who says the evil must be killed. No exceptions.

"When're we gonna be let go?"

"Never. Here 'til the master dies or 'til we die. I'd count on the second one."

"But can't we escape?"

"We can't 'cause…"

"We can," I broke into the conversation.

"Not you again!" I heard someone groan. I ignored him and kneeled before the girl.

"I know a way for us to escape. But if you really help me there's no turning back."

Before she could speak someone's threw a rock at me. "Don't you feed her your garbage! Aren't you enough trouble already? Why haven't you been killed yet anyway! That's the definition of injustice right there!"

"I don't cause trouble. I'm fighting for a cause."

"What kinda cause? Didn't I tell you to accept your fate?"

I stood up. "We are all born free, aren't we? We weren't born with these shackles on our wrists. We weren't born to be used like dogs. What right do they have to buy us and sell us like property? They say that even in round creatures there is half a soul. Doesn't that apply to us, too? We shouldn't have to sell our souls because someone thinks they do own us. I'm not doing this because I want to go home where I know I'm not wanted as a person. I'm doing this because I want to be free for once in my life."

Silence. I knew they were too afraid to argue. "Anyone whose judgment of me has been changed by that speech, I fear for your soul."

I turned away from the girl and started to walk away but she stopped me to ask who I was. I answered, "I am not the fool nor am I the wise-man nor am I the coward who fears rebellion. I am only who I believe I am. You will only find out who I am for yourself sooner or later."

As I walked away I heard her ask for my name. I don't know why but I smiled when I heard someone tell her my name like it was a curse.

-.-.-

A few years had passed since that day and I was, once again, alone on my ideas of escape. I already planned how I was going to free myself; I just needed to wait for the right time. I finally gained enough power to be able to kill the master but I doubted I was going to need to use it. I spent those next years pretending I did accept that I was slave. I don't think I convinced many people.

"Hey, you," someone called me. "You been awful quiet lately. What're you plannin'?"

"Do I look like I'm planning something?" I asked.

"You always do. You're born a schemer."

"Maybe I was. If you think so, try and stop me."

"Maybe I will. If I knew what you were scheming about."

"I wonder what it could be…" I turned away from him.

"You're gonna kill the master, aren't you?"

"If it appears that was then let someone know though it may fall on deaf ears. Do what you want about it." I don't think he said anything. I don't know who he feared more- the master or me. Sometimes you could just feel the mixed feelings in people. You can see them turning it over in their heads, and sometimes you see that strain in their faces. Now was one of those times.

I snuck into the master's room late that night. Just when I came into his room, I suddenly became aware of how loud the chains on my shackles were. I froze when I heard him stir. _I woke him up!  
_  
I ran to his bedside, a knife in my hand. He shot up and stared at me with his eyes wide in fear. I drank in his fear, for once he was the one begging for mercy. For once, I could be the recipient of the begs. And for once, I can deny them the mercy they denied me... He tried to act like he still had the upper-hand.

"What the hell are you doing? Go back to bed, little girls aren't supposed to be up at this hour and they certainly shouldn't be walking around with knives in the dark. What if you get hurt? We can't have that... " He really thought I was stupid. I closed in on the space so I could feel his breath raising up from him. I could see the faint shivers through his body... I was enjoying this more than I should have. "Please... Just put that knife down... What do you want? Put it down, I'll..." I stabbed him through the heart before he could say any more.

He gagged then howled an animal-like scream. I took the knife out of his chest and ran it through his throat. His arms stopping flailing around, stopping trying to get me at my throat and take me with him to hell. Then I heard a group of people running down the hall. My heart started pounding in my ears. Hell, I thought I could be true to my word and just slaughter them all.

"I'm tellin' ya, man! I saw her go! I think she just killed 'im!"

I looked at the door, sensing more than ten people. _If I stay, then they'll kill me. _So I had only had one option. I had to run. I broke the window and jumped out, ignoring the gashes I might have gotten. I learned from you that I shouldn't hide in the forest and hope nothing happens. There was an ocean nearby so I decided that I would jump off the cliff and go where the current takes me.

Just before I hit the water, I heard someone scream, "Holy hell! I think she jumped!"

And those were the last words I ever heard from them.  
_  
"This is the culture from which I sprang. This is the terror from which I fled."-Richard Wright (Black Boy)  
**  
**_**end chapter 2**

**EDITOR'S NOTES: Well, this quote's mildly inappropriate. I tried hard to add more detail... Maybe I should stop talking about my tries and just say what I did improve... Here... It's impossible to really combine the anime and the manga. I mean, you could, it's just not that plausible. Okay, either she was born a slave or she just hit the road. There. Shut up.  
**


	3. Mezzo Forte

**One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back. Sorry about the wait. Depression was a bitch! (If you excuse my language) Oddly enough it made me more poetic... Oo Anyway... Some of you might want to know what the title has to do with the story. Well, regardless if you care or not, I'll tell you. I heard this song I think the title was "Mary Jane's Last Dance"** **and the lyrics were stuck in my head. "Last dance with Mary Jane/ One more time to kill the pain." That or it would be Down on My Knees which if you had my mind would sound really dirty. The chapter titles are musical terms. (Editor: Why the fuck would "Down on My Knees" have anything to do with this stupid story? Sorry, I just had to say that right now.)  
**

-.-.-

_Chapter 3 Mezzo Forte_

"_Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains." Jean-Jacques Rousseau _(_The Social Contract_)

-:-:-

I was probably passed out for days before the chill of the ocean against my skin woke me up. I forced myself to my feet as I limped a good distance away from the ocean.

I decided that the first thing I was going to do was break the shackles off. Sounded simple enough. That way no one will ever know that I was ever a slave. I limped toward a rock and slammed my wrists on it. The chains broke but the shackles themselves stayed as if nothing had happened. _Not even a scratch!_

_I didn't do it hard enough! I need to try again! _I slammed my wrists on the rock again and continued for what seemed like hours. Still they never came off. They stayed in the same condition. I only succeeded in slicing up my wrists.

_Will I ever be free?_ I collapsed on the ground. _I'll try again tomorrow..._

-:-:-

I spent those next years in constant paranoia. I thought I would never kill again after I killed the master. Surely there was no need...

I was far from being right. I spent those next years gaining more power by killing anyone who crossed my path. The first person I killed as a free man was a child.

I was walking to the nearest village with I felt something barely tap my back. I turned around and sent a blast of energy at them. I stared at the dead body. Its head was blown away into a bloody mess. All there was left was half a neck and a now bloody body of a child who couldn't have been any older than ten years old. All this because he accidentally hit me with his ball. All I could do was run away as if someone was there to pursue me.

It was the same as I wandered. I was always running from someone. For a while I regretted escaping and wished I had stayed in slavery instead. _No, I ran away because I wanted my freedom. I am free now. There's nothing to fear._

Oh, but I was still to afraid to listen to myself... There really was nothing for me to fear if I stopped killing. The problem was... I was still a slave owned by the master mentally. And the trail of dead bodies never ceased from that point on...

-:-:-

I was sitting at the base of a tree when I heard footsteps come in my direction. I didn't look up. I hoped whoever was coming wouldn't notice me.

"Hey, you. You shouldn't hang around here. Bandits come in these parts and I hear they're pretty nasty to kids like you," He poked me with his cane but I gave no response. _If I ignore him, he'll leave me alone..._ "Hey. You hear me, kid? You look bad enough as it is. I don't want them bandits after you just cause you were on their land."

No answer. I was really starting to consider just killing the bastard

"Hey, you alive?" He poked me with his cane again. I leapt to my feet to go for the kill but he stabbed the end of his cane into my stomach, causing me to lose my breath.

"Holy crap, kid! I was only trying to be nice and give you a warning so you won't get killed!" He eyed my wrists. "What the hell are you...? Wait? Shackles? Ah. So you're one of those, eh? Runaways like you need to be more discreet. Let's go up the road together just so I can have a clean conscience and not sleep worrying if you got killed or not. So tell ya what. I'll be Traveler man and you'll be slave boy." And he whispered in my ear, "And then we'll role play!"

-:-:-

He dragged me to his campsite and lit a fire. "Since you look up to talking now how bout you tell me your name, Slave boy?"

"Don't call me that."

"Why? I'm asking your name."

"I won't tell."

"Then you'll stay slave boy."

"But I'm a girl."

He gave me a blank stare and started staring at me like I was crazy. "You are?"

"Don't I look like one?"

"You're really flat for a girl! You sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"Completely? I mean, if it weren't for the long hair, I would not have taken your word for it at all!"

"Yes."

"...You're a sick girl, Slave girl!" He pointed his finger at me accusingly.

"How am I sick?"

"...You just are!"

"Furthermore, why are you looking at my chest?"

"Hey, you go wandering around in the mountains without any women-or in your case men unless you're a lesbian-and then we'll talk."

I immediately understood. "I can go without it."

"Sure but that'll all change once you meet some really great guy."

"I don't need anyone. Why would I need to love someone? It would hold me back. I can't afford to soften. Not in this world."

"That's what the girls back home used to say. 'Oh we don't need boys. We'll get along fine without them'. And then they get older and fall head over heels with some guy and have a whole bunch of kids with that same guy. That's what'll happen to you. Don't go for the loner shit. Everybody needs somebody. And every one in a while there's two people for someone. I call that the jack pot. Heh heh."

"Not me. Maybe in a perfect world. But if this were a perfect world we would all be dead because one man's paradise is another man's hell."

"Aw, come on Slave girl. Don't be like that. I bet there's some guy out there waiting for you right now. I bet he's got the same 'Oh, I don't belong here. I'll angst by myself' complex going on. Then you'll run into each other and just go into this whole love at first sight cliche and have your kids and..." He faked the sound of crying. "My Slave girl is growing up so fast! ...Must be some great guy to see passed all... That."

"The one you speak of doesn't exist yet and maybe never will."

"He's on his way. Give him some time. Can't rush the guy when he's getting his pick up lines and proposals ready and getting ready to be rejected maybe three times if he's lucky and coming up with names for all your kids... And you'll hopefully have your breasts by then."

I tried really hard to ignore that last comment. "I fail to see your point. The way you speak you make it sound as if the only way I could ever find a man is if I were beautiful yet you see what evil it could bring. Vanity is only the beginning. And I know what happens when a man likes the way someone looks too well." He choked on air once he realized what I meant by that. "What's the point of it anyway? The word beauty and all that joins with it shouldn't exist. It's only another way to label someone like social classes do. The only real point to a body is to hold your soul and keep it from drifting away. In some cases the soul is gone or the soul has drifted away when some controlled it."

He sighed and shook his head in defeat. "Well if you prefer to be alone then why don't you leave? You scared of bandits?"

"No. I killed them."

"I can tell. You look like some deranged butcher with all that blood on you. You should wash off."

"Why? I'll get bloody again."

"Didn't you bathe before? Same thing!" He went through his bag and pulled out some clothes that he shoved into my arms. "They might not fit you right but, hey it looks better that what you got on. Wash up. Change and take off if you want. My karma's bad enough since I tried to kill Raizen..."

"Raizen? Isn't that a food?"

"Food? The hell was wrong with you when thought of that? He ain't no food. He's the kings. Toughest of all us demons. I chickened out before I tried to kill him but his monks got me first... Tell ya when you come back later. ...If you do."

When I came back he nodded as if pleased to see me back. "Tell you all the nasty details later. I gotta wash up myself. Haven't bathed in weeks. Don't touch my stuff."

I waited a few moments then I found a knife in his bag. He came back when I found it.

"Hey! What're you doing, Slave girl?"

I held the knife to the back of my neck.

"Hey, don't do anything rash. You don't need to kill yourself or nothing. I know you might be hurting inside but...!"

I ignored him and let the knife cut through. I heard him scream in fear then sigh with relief when he saw the only thing fall to the ground was hair. I threw the knife back to him, nearly missing splitting his head. He looked at the blade then at me.

"You know, Slave girl. You're the weirdest person I've ever met. You think like a philosopher but you don't act like no intellectual." He started laughing as he threw a roll of bandages to me. "Use it to cover your face. If you wanna hide being a girl, hide your face. You still got a face like a girl."

I nodded. It was silent.

"You know there's a place called the Realm of the Living. It's gotta lotta food."

I rose an eyebrow at him.

"Raizen! Right! I promised... Let's talk about the king then. Well, he..." I never realized this information would have some use to me later in my life.

-:-:-

We left each other at a forked road at noon the next day.

"Go through the mountains and you'll hit it. Careful though. There's bandits there. And the worst thing in the town is prostitutes. If they approach you, run. I'll tell you from experience that they're nothing but trouble, you hear?"

I nodded.

"Do what you gotta do, slave girl. Now let's get each other's names. Can't get you my real name, really."

"Nor can I."

"Some shit we got here. How bout if we ever see each other again just yell out Kazuki and I'll know who it is. We'll talk your nickname over that day." He started down his road.

"Kazuki."

"Eh?" He turned around.

"It's Mukuro."

"What?"

"My name. It's Mukuro."

"Oh. Creepy name. You come up with that yourself?"

"Sometimes I wish I had."

"Heh." He turned back to his road and waved his cane. "See ya there... Mukuro. By the way, you remember what I said about the guy for you? Don't give up looking for him. If I find him, I'll tell the guy you're looking for him cause no one can stand to be alone. And knowing people, he'd probably say the same shit and then you'll meet and be like... Well, you'll be like something that goes together well. Cheese and bread probably. But you'll fall for each other like a ton of bricks, I promise."

"Sure."

And yet I had given up hope not long after that. If I were isolated as a slave, I knew I would be isolated now that all I could do is kill. And not a day has passed when I wish I was already dead.

**end chapter 3**

**EDITOR'S NOTES: I had real issues with creating new paragraphs. (Listened to Crisis Core music which helped the mood... Considering the ending was soul crushing. Now it's Dissidia.) I really liked Kazuki. I once considered making a one shot spin off in which Mukuro and Kazuki meet again. And then just before pen came to paper I thought, this shit is stupid. I'm out. Yeah...  
This is hard to edit because I'm in such a good mood right now. And that quote had nothing to do with... Okay, maybe it did have something to do with... Arg...**


	4. Forte

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain**

**Notes: Okay. One who never sleeps (Or whatever your name was) I have to ask you if you were insulting me, complementing me or telling me about your eye allergies. If it was the allergies I don't think you should take it out on Makuro whoever that may be. If you were insulting me first I'd have to cry because you didn't do a signed review and I couldn't give you a witty reply… But it's kind of a sign that you might be afraid of getting told off… Huh. Or better yet, you may be a psychotic fan girl! I've always wanted one! So now you gotta read all of my fanfics and review all of them and stalk me and worship me and cut a piece of yourself off and offer it to me as a sacrifice! But not your eyes cause you need those to read and not a hand because you need it to type. An ear would be fine.  
****On that note, everyone else ignore the above. (EDITOR: lol wut) I wanted to have something clarified. Just don't go off about it. Bitch slap them agree with the reviewer I don't care. Just read on.**

_-.-.-  
__Chapter 4 Forte_

"_A life of unremitting caution, without the carefree-or even, occasionally, the careless-may turn out to be half a life." –Anna Quidler_

I came to the next town without encountering any bandits. I must have killed them already. Not too many people crossed my path. Though sometimes I wonder if seeing a strange "man" with "his" face completely covered walking in their general direction just made people turn around and go the other way. At that point, I still had no reputation as a mass-murderer yet.

I happened to wander into the red light district on accident. Red light district- where men go to be pleasured by diseased rats who are in a way the slaves of those men.

A scantily clad woman latched onto my arm. I tried to pull away but she only tightened her grip. She flipped her hair and asked me, "What's wrong, hon'? I don't bite only if and where you want me to."

_I think my stomach just turned._ "I'm in a hurry." I tried to pull away again but her grip tightened again. _Damn this woman!_

"How much of a hurry are you?"

_Does she know that that doesn't make any sense at all?_ I gave her a blank stare.

"I'll give you half an hour…" She added a suggestive grin. "How bout we see what's under them bandages. I bet you're a real cutie…"

I used all the strength I had to pull away, nearly knocking her to the ground in the process. She grabbed me by the arm again before I could run away. Two other women came at that moment.

"What the hell was that for?" the first prostitute growled. "Am I afraiding you?"

"I don't understand half of what you're saying. I said I was in a hurry so I don't have time for people like you!" Once I said that she let go.

"Hey, I told you you can't get one of those smart people types to sleep with you. Do you listen?" one of the other women asked.

"Yeah, he might be gay, y'know…" the other added. "They usually are, too."

The first one waved a hand at them and growled at me, "What're you saying?"

"Like it sounds. I'm in a hurry. I came here on accident and even if I weren't in a hurry, I wouldn't do business with you," I replied.

"What? You saying you're better than me or something, asshole? I do this so I can get so money, not cause I likes it!" She kicked me in the groin. Then she gave me a blank stare. I looked at her foot then at her. _Is this supposed to hurt…?_ We all stared at each other for a while until the first woman let her foot hit the ground.

"He… He didn't react! He must be a eunuch! That's why he wasn't turned on!" the second woman gasped and fainted like it was the end of the world.

I ran as I could and hid behind a building. _That… That was the scariest experience in my life!_

-.-.-

"_Everytime that I look in the mirror__  
All these lines on my face gettin' clearer__  
The past is gone  
It went by like dust to dawn  
__Isn't that the way  
Everybody's got their dues to pay."_

_-Aerosmith ("Dream on")_

-.-.-

I continued my journey to nowhere, my constant running away from a nonexistent pursuer. I killed anyone who crossed my path regardless if they were a man, woman, or child. At first I thought it brought me satisfaction but once I thought it through, I felt nothing. All this blood I've spilled, all these lives I've taken have come down to nothing. All these people I've killed have died in vain.

But I can't afford to think like that. That road only leads to my own death. It only means I'd let someone else kill me because I'm too weak to carry on. You kill or get killed in this world. That's all you see these days. Hell, that might have been how it always was. Tear that man apart before he even thinks to lay his hands on you. And if he throws a rock at you, you blow his head off before he throws the next biggest thing.

I've considered suicide a few times. I figured there was nothing wrong with it. All I've lived in was a constant storm of fear and retreat. All I've lived for was for freedom that I thought was always out of my reach. All I've done for anyone was take lives for nothing. Why not end it all? I've been dealing with it too long, it wouldn't cause anymore pain. It'll just take me out of my misery. No one would miss me anyway...

I couldn't do it. Suicide is the coward's way out. The one who commits suicide is no better than the simple minded soldier who deserts. I had no choice but to endure it and find some reason to live that would overpower my reason to die.

"_Don't give up looking for him. If I find him, I'll tell the guy you're looking for him. Cause really, no one can stand to be alone."_

Every time that comes to my mind I shake my head. Maybe it was because in the back of my mind I knew it was true though I constantly tried to contradict that statement.

_I've been alone all this time. How was I able to survive then? It must be because I'm used to being alone so I don't need anyone anymore. They isolated me so I don't need them. It's not that I belong to anyone anymore. It's just that there's no place where I do belong. And there is no such man out there in existence. No one else can live that long seeing what I see. It's too much of a hell hole._

_I wish everything would just burn.  
_

-.-.-

Every one in a while I stop to wash the blood off my clothes. In those few moments I have, I look at myself in the reddening water. The face in the water is one I don't recognize. I vaguely remember my face in the mirror on the day I poured acid on myself. Is this emaciated adolescent girl in the refection the same one from that day?

And a voice would always ring in my mind: _There's no one torturing you anymore. You're only doing it to yourself. You forced yourself out of two places and thrust yourself into the world and shattered it by killing. Why did you even start? No one would need to know. No one…_

I shoved the thought to the back of my mind. I knew it was true but now it's too late to do anything about it. I've shoved myself out of any favorable position so I need to accept that fact now. I'm no longer that scared little girl in the mirror. All I am now is just a run away slave trying to break the mental chains of the past with the only way to survive being becoming a being with half a soul.

…That is if I had one in the first place.

I remembered something I heard when I was still a slave.

"_I swear I'll kill that little bitch! I'd kill that cunt!"_

"_Calm yourself. When she does free herself, the world will do away with her."_

That may be if I don't finish myself off first…

-.-.-

I had gone to the countryside with the directions given to me. I was curious about this King Raizen I've heard of. From some I've heard he's "the greatest demon out there" and "the toughest of them all." Yet others agree that he was just "a lazy ass bastard who sits on the throne all day doing nothing." Once there, I looked at all my surroundings. There was nothing that I saw where he could be hiding out at. There were a bunch of strange looking buildings. _I'm here now. So what can I do now?_

"Hey you there! What business do you have here?" a voice asked just as I decided to just walk up to any random building.

I turned around to see a bald man glaring at me. I thought he was a servant of Raizen's.

"Did you hear me? What business do you have here, child?"

I tried to decapitate him but he stretched his neck like rubber so I would miss. I stared at him, dumbfounded. He wrapped him neck around me so tight that I felt my ribs cracking and my breath cutting off.

"Answer me, child!"

I tried to fight my way out, but it was in vain.

"What's going on here?" a deep voice asked.

"I think it's another assassin, sir!" the bald man replied. _Another assassin? How many have come for him?_

The demon stood before me, eyebrow raised. I remember looking at him and thinking that he had this look like he got struck by lightning. He also was already pretty much skin and bone. _So this is Raizen… What a disappointment. He's almost skin and bones. _I was picturing someone bigger and with more body-weight._  
_

"You have the energy of a louse," Raizen said. "I'd kill you before you'd kill me. Tell me, what's your name?"

The demon loosed his constriction so I could breathe. After I regained my breath, I whispered a curse to him.

Raizen shook his head. "You know kid, I know that I'm not well liked in some parts. This isn't the first time this kind of this happened. I suggest you go home to your mother unless you want to die."

The demon finally let me go. Instead of running away the first chance I had, I stared at him. He looked like he was enjoying all this. I wanted to go after him but I backed away. I knew better. My energy was nowhere near his. I would have been stupid to try. So I ran away. All I heard him say was, "Stupid kid."

I couldn't help but hate him.

**end chapter 4**

**EDITOR'S NOTES: Wow, JC, you really had to ask that? (on my note at the beginning) Okay... My formatting screwed up in the past couple of chapters I edited. I tried to edit chapter one. It's under construction right now so.. You'll see everything I have to see at that point soon...  
Getting kicked in the crotch hurts no matter what gender you are. No, seriously. I'm not telling you to test it it, I'm just speaking from common sense. I keep goofing off as I write these...**


	5. Diminuendo

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Hey, hey, hey! Welcome back. So… Has anyone here watched the Japanese version of Yu Yu Hakusho? (I bet a majority of us has at some point…) For some reason I preferred the Three Kings Saga in the Japanese version even though the English version was pretty funny. It's like they got deeper… But crap! I was wrong according to both versions… Maybe this is with the manga….  
****At some point Kirin shows up. So who is he? For those who forgot he's Mukuro's second in command… Or was anyway. I guarantee nine out ten Hiei/Mukuro fanfics he's mentioned at least once. And don't ask for his buddies' names. I don't know. They only get mentioned once or twice from the way I'm planning this… Onward!**

_-.-.-  
__Chapter 5 Diminuendo_

_There was a group of children gathered around in a circle, each taking turns telling scary stories. Each time they reached their gory climax, the speaker would pause, waiting for the listeners to draw in before he spoke of the final bloody demise.  
_

"_Youko Kurama and Yomi are gonna get you! They'll come to your house in the middle of the night and cut off your head and eat your guts!"_

"_Shut up! No, they won't!"_

"_How do you now?"_

"_Yeah! Have you ever seen a bandit before?"_

"_Well, no…"_

_Another two stories were told. An old man limped to the children shaking his head and his leathery sagging cheeks with it. He pointed a crooked bony finger and gave them a toothless smile. "I know something that's scarier than all that."_

"_Nuh-uh!" one of the kids yelled at him. "Go away, Gramps!"_

_He chuckled. "You know there's a demon wandering around? Scary little fellow they say. They say he comes with bandages on his face cause he got in really bad fights and has a horrid face that would turn one into stone. They say he came from the pits of hell to exterminate the living. Why, he's destroyed whole villages by himself. Sometimes even barehanded! I think he's the grim reaper on the search for a missing soul!"_

_One of the children who became amazed by the story leaned toward the man and gasped. 'What do they call him?" He was already thinking of a new horror story._

_"__They say his name is Mukuro. If you speak of him they say he comes for you."_

"_None of that's true!" another child scoffed. "And if you're not supposed to speak if him why the hell did you?"_

_The man frowned, something that was hard to tell because of all his wrinkles, and shoved a pipe into his mouth. "He's already on his way. I heard that just yesterday night he came and took out the last town over…"_

_A woman screamed in pain and everyone's blood went cold._

"_He's here. Just in time."_

-.-.-

"_Half my life is in book's written pages  
Live and learn from fools and sages  
__You know it's true  
__All the things come back to you"  
__-Aerosmith ("Dream On")_

-.-.-

I wandered from town to town, city to city, village to village. I gained a reputation as a cold blooded murderer. News of "the attempted assassination of King Raizen" spread quickly. Everywhere I went there were people watching me with fear in their eyes. In few cases someone would threaten to kill me but they would never do so out of fear.

"_-came from the pits of hell…"_

"_-associates with the Devil himself…"_

"_-The Grim Reaper…"_

"_-incapable of love or remorse."_

"_-could be the best demon alive!" "Yeah, best demon my ass!"_

"_-takes down whole cities with his bare hands."_

"_He matched Raizen's strength but luckily Hokushin was able to restrain the bastard before he could get the king. Long live the king!"_

"_Yeah so the guy goes off and kills his parents and…"_

I've heard some pieces of their conversations questioning my origins and what I really am. None of it has come close to the truth. But I suppose the truth would be rather dull for them compared to their mythological theories.

"_A runaway slave who was sold by her father after she poured acid on herself to keep him from raping her. Now seeking freedom… Or maybe more?"_

For some reason I thought about it for awhile after I just finished killing and then your words would return.

"_You look so beautiful covered in blood like that." You would slap me again. "Why do I love you Mukuro? You don't hug me or kiss me or tell me you love me." Another slap. "You just scream and run away. Why do I love you?"_

I would just shutter and continue drifting…

_"__Those who live in Darkness wander aimlessly." –Tsuzuki ("Descendants of Darkness")_

-.-.-

I happened to come across another ability I had. At the time, someone was pursuing me because I killed their wife or child. I decided to toy with him for a while. Just when he was about to thrust his sword into my heart, he was split in half by a line that appeared out of nowhere. I stared at the dead body and then looked around to see who it was that did it, getting ready to take them out as well..

_But there's no one else here. How did I…?_ I tried to touch it but it stung my palm, half splitting it open.

_What is it? And furthermore, how'd I do it?_

I spent the next few days giving myself a concussion after banging my head on something after finding out how simple it was…

-.-.-

On my way to the next town, I sensed someone else's presence. I didn't pay much attention to it at first. I only thought it was someone that happened to be passing by and pretended not to notice me out of fear or ignorance. It continued to follow me. At that point, I was ready to take them out too. I could fell them standing behind me. There were three of them, but they were all weak prescences. It wouldn't have been a problem to deal with them. I readied the blade...

"Uh… H-hey…" the pursuer's voice sounded as if he was rehearsing the conversation in his head.

I turned around and pointed the tip of the blade between his eyes. I was surprised for a moment when I saw a majority of his face was covered by a mask.

"Y-you're the one th-they're talking about, right?" he asked, probably sweating in fear under the mask. All I saw was his eyes crossing to look at the blade and then his eyes going in every direction.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they say there's… Uh… th-this guy that's been wandering around towns and, uh, murdering people and, uh…. Um… They say that he has bandages on his face, and, uh… They say he tried to kill Raizen and, uh… They say his name's Mukuro or something, uh… So you're him, right?"

"I am. Why do you want to know?"

"Well, uh… Um…" His eyes shifted between the blade and me again. He was probably thinking out his death wish. His fingers were twitching, struggling to keep still. I figured he must have been really young to cower at the tip of a sword. After all, there were other things to fear. Far worse things. "I… Uh… I heard about everything between you and, uh, Raizen and, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I agree with you completely! Uh, the bastard hasn't really done anything for us! Uh, he just goes back and forth between, uh, the Human Realm and here instead of watching his, um, people! So me and my friends, we, uh, left home to go find you and uh, help you overthrow him!"

I dropped the sword.

He relaxed a bit, probably giving a sigh of relief. "You won't kill me?"

"No. Why would I if you're on my side? That would be like a soldier killing his own comrade. Furthermore, I never intended to kill Raizen in the first place and I never will even though I do hate him."

"But you would make a better leader."

"I suggest you go home to your mother."

"Well, I doubt our families want us to come home. They forbade us to find you but…"

I turned away from him.

"Can we at least travel with you?"

I looked into his eyes. Blank with almost childish ignorance. They weren't glazed over with lust like yours or superiority like that master's. It was admiration. He was looking at me like I was a god. _I might as well let him…If he doesn't like how it turns out, he'll just leave and if he does anything stupid, I'll just kill him and be done with it. _"Fine."

He motioned to the brush and his three friends appeared.

"You accept the way I live? You accept being familiars with a murderer?"

The demon replied. "Well, we have to use our energy for something other than just waiting for Youko Kurama and Yomi to come right? (I heard his friend mutter, "And they never will come. Bet they're just a bedtime story.") Been there, done that. We've all done what we needed to do."

"_Do what you gotta do, Slave girl."_

"Yeah." I nodded absentmindedly.

"So where are we going, Sir?"

"Why do you call me sir if I'm not your leader? I merely serve as your guide, don't I?"

"You're higher on the social ladder, aren't you?"

_No, I'm just a slave._ "We're equals. And we'll stay that way unless something changes."

That demon who first approached me introduced himself as Kirin who would eventually become my second in command. And at that time his enthusiasm died. But that was much later on.

**end chapter 4**

**EDITOR'S NOTES: APPARENTLY EDITING REQUIRES THAT I TYPE IN ALL CAPS, THIS IS 1945 ALL OVER AGAIN, LOL. Okay, enough fun. Speaking of 1945, that one contradicts what this one has to say. Like in general. But no one who reads this will happily read that. I don't think anyone will. Kazuki stops being important in... I think it was this one where you stop hearing his quotes. By the way... Kirin has a stuttering problem, supposedly. You don't really see too much of it. And he's still really stalkerish. (He has a man crush on Mukuro and you know it.)  
**


	6. Piano

**Title: One more Time to Kill the Pain**

**Notes: I just realized that this sounds like a reference to cutting yourself. Which is ironic considering that Mukuro can't really cut herself. The shackles are in the way… But I doubt she would try anyway… (EDIT: The fuck is wrong with you? You think this is funny? ...Maybe someone did laugh. Ugh...)  
****Okay so lemme talk about the chapter. It's got a lot of philosophy in here. Yeah, so if you like thinking, then here's your chapter. If not then I'll question why you're reading this fanfic in the first place. …Or even reading or functioning in general. Big note though. There are some sacrilegious comments in here. Well that's only because at the era this is taking place in, some members of the church were forcing people to their religion. It happened a lot. It's like the late 1400s. Yes, people traveled around that early. Heard of Christopher Columbus, people? But don't take it personally. It's history. Not a way for me to totally bash on it. Got it?  
(EDIT: The hell did you include those comments then? Isn't it clear that it's not the views of the author if it's speech? This isn't sock-puppet, hour you know.)  
Last note. The unmarked quotes in this chapter are lyrics from "Livin' on the Edge" by Aerosmith.**

_-.-.-_

_Chapter 6 Piano_

We went to the Human World at one point. Our exact location was some island country called Japan or something of the sort. It's the easiest palce to get to from where we're at I've been told. I don't know much more about the Human World. (Yomi knows much more than I do apparently.) I don't know why I decided to say yes when the others suggested that we all go. I just did even though I lacked the interest in doing so.

"We come here a lot. The best part is that they worship us like we're gods or something. Then they go and tell us to kill their enemies. It's great," Kirin explained. "If you stay here, you never go hungry."

"What's the worst part of it?" I just had to ask.

He probably looked at me like I was insane. I couldn't tell. Maybe we were both glad that he couldn't. "Well, I guess the worst part is the fact that when you go after them, they try to kill you and say they think you're The Devil or you come from hell or something like that. I dunno. I choose to enjoy it all."

I really envy him sometimes.

-.-.-

"_There are no absolutes when it comes to the human mind."  
_-**_Criminal Minds_**

-.-.-

The humans were nothing like I've been told. Apparently they were all innocent creatures with eyes shimmering with stupidity. They were too busy fighting to bring home food, and when they weren't looking for food, they were either fighting in another war as a soldier or fighting to gain more power as a noble, constantly arguing for equality.

Equality? In a society like ours?

What a society that would be. No countries against one another because a classless society (It requires no social classes to be in a completely equal society. Social classes are one of the main reasons there is inequality. You cannot have different classes without having one being higher than the other. It's inevitable.) would not need a government because the leaders of that government could abuse their power to be completely superior to their people. Then they would sprinkle it over with fancy phrases like "divine right." Work would be done just to get certain necessities like clothes because a society without a government would be a society without a currency when it comes down to it. (Money makes of social classes which I've already said causes inequality.) Basically there would be no private property because everyone shares everything. Thus theft would be abolished to a certain extent.

However if a dictator happens to rise the society would be weak and free to take over. Also a completely equal society would not mean that everyone thinks they're all equal. Someone always has to feel superior to someone. That's just the way things are. We're programmed to think that way whether we deny it or not.

It would also make a lawless society. So a man could kill another man or rape a woman but only be punished with ridicule. Said society would lack a court system because courts are built upon laws of society but seeing how the society is equal, no one can make a true law. Only the government leader has the right to do so. As stated before there would be no leader due to the placement of them above all else. People like to say that power corrupts anyway.

And in a society where no one works for money, don't you think people would get lazy at one point? But doesn't everyone have to pull their fair share of work? And if they don't then what can we do? Not much other than ridicule.

-.-.-

"_There's something wrong with the world today  
I__ don't know what it is  
__Something's wrong with our eyes"_

-.-.-

Apparently there were people trying to convert the natives to their religion. They called themselves Christians. They were trying to "save" the souls of the people and spread the word and love of God. I also remembered one who taught someone the Ten Commandments. "Thou shalt not commit murder!"

I've found a lot of irony in that commandment. "Thou shalt not commit murder!" Yet most of converting was done at the point of a gun. Those who refused to convert were usually killed at the moment of refusal or tortured until they gave in to the command. Are those who preach the Ten Commandments somehow exempt from them? Do they have the right to kill those who refuse to have ideals they don't agree with shoved on them?

There was one man who decided to flesh it all out, hoping to gain a widespread rebellion and get their peace once again. This did not happen. Instead he remained something of a lone madman. "If your god truly exists then let him smite me now!"

God refused. The Christian looked up as if he hoped God would do it for him.

The man was not yet satisfied at the lack of divine action. "If He exists then let him help us in our time of war!"

Another refusal. The Christian didn't want to take anymore of his shit.

"Does He not care for me though you say He has love for everyone? Or is it true he does not-" The man was shot before he went on any longer. Thou shalt not commit murder indeed.

(Why does it bother me?)

-.-.-

"_We're seein' things in a different way  
__And God knows it ain't His  
__It sure ain't no surprise"_

-.-.-

And apparently we are all sinners and if we don't repent our sins, we would all get thrown in a huge lake of fire called hell. But what is taboo for one is not taboo for the other. Some of the natives are polytheistic whereas the Christians are strictly monotheistic. They apparently have no tolerance for other religions here or much else for that matter. Though apparently the Christian's second commandment states that their God is a jealous God and would not tolerate other people's "idols." Funny because such practices have been done for years from what I'm guessing. I suppose their God waits until someone enforces His policies for Him.

And I've heard the Japanese cursing the foreigners so many times. But they never do much fighting.

-.-.-

"_Tell me what you think about our situation  
__Complication-aggravation  
__Is getting to you"_

-.-.-

But what is religion but a way to lie to ourselves about where our souls will depart, therefore controlling the people because we fear the worst outcome? Why do we have to depend on a completely perfect god or possibly prefect gods and goddesses to help us all the time? Is it to make up for our flaws? To makes up for what we lose hope in? No gods or goddesses exist. Not in the least bit. If they existed, then why weren't my prayers to be freed of the living hells I went through answered? Or is it that they aren't as merciful as we say they are?

Isn't it depressing how much we all depend on someone else to do everything for us? We pray for someone to help us instead of finding every way possible to make it happen. Then we all curse them when we don't get what we want. Just like ignorant children.

-.-.-

"_God didn't create humans. Humans created God."  
-Cowboy Bebop_

_-.-.-_

Religion was to create peace, a union between all but I've seen come from it was war. One claiming their god was better than the rest or the only true god. So killing is justified by the permission of a god though it is never true. I've watched more people die in the name of a god than people being saved in the name of one. It's just as I thought. You point to the sky and you say someone's on your side so they better listen to you, so help them. If we all worshiped the sun, then we'd argue about who gets the most sunlight, who the sun favors the most, and what the hell the sun's name is. Then we all just start wars because their sun isn't the sun as someone else's.

War is one of two things- to destroy or to gain more power. Then people argue that war is homicide though in most cases they were the ones who said how great and honorable it is for the country. It is only homicide on the part of the country taking defense. It is suicide on the part of the soldiers who enlist to join.

The humans would kill each other soon. Their world would be completely empty before they know it. It's not just because demons have been feeding on them. They do it to themselves. They can't shut their damned mouths to save their lives. They start out arguing about who stole their commodities. Then it evolves to country borders. Then it goes to the true leader of the world. Then it goes to whose god is real. They don't fight for real things. They only fight because of ideas.

And it's sad because I see it in our own society. But it's not going to come as fast as the humans' will, the way I see it. We have no real religion therefore there are no religious wars to create mass destruction. When another power rises to oppose Raizen there will be more wars just to gain more power over the other.

Religions predict an end to the world. Christians believe in a battle at Armageddon, which is of course a massive war between good and evil from what I've heard, and a final judgment of each man's lives. I agree. The world would end in war. But it would not involve a war between God and Satan. It would involve all mankind just destroying each other in a power struggle.

Humans push for equality but in their minds they have to be better than their neighbor.

-.-.-

"_If Chicken Little told you the sky is fallin'  
__Even if it wasn't told you would still come crawling  
__Back again-I bet you would my friend  
Again and again and again and again and again"_

-.-.-

This happened at some point in our travels through the Human World. I asked, "Kirin, do you believe in angels and devils?"

"What?" I wasn't exactly sure if even know what either one was either.

"Do you believe in beings that are completely good or evil?"

"I guess."

"Spiritually or physically?"

"Uh?"

"As an ethereal body or in a tangible body like mine?"

That question confused him even more and I could tell by his fidgeting. "I guess physically…"

"What do you consider yourself? Do you think that you are completely good or completely evil?"

"I guess I'm kinda in between."

"But are you not considered an incarnation of evil as you continue to kill? You may not think yourself evil but someone else could see you as completely evil to the core. Does that make you a devil?"

"Not really."

"You're turning on your belief. If you think someone to be completely evil are they a devil?"

"Not really."

"What is your definition of a devil?"

"Someone who's evil to the core I guess."

"And an angel?"

"Someone who's completely good to the core?"

"And which would I be? Be honest."

"Uh… Um… I dunno. In between?"

"Am I evil?"

"What?"

"Am I evil? Again, be honest with me."

"Not really. Do you… Think you are?"

"How can I? I have no morals, really."

"You're not evil. Raizen's…"

"How can you say Raizen is evil? What has he done that makes him evil?"

"Uh… Well… He… I dunno. He just is…"

So young yet so naïve.

-.-.-

"_Something right with the world today  
__And everybody knows its wrong  
__But we can tell 'em no  
__Or we could let it go  
__But I would rather be hanging on"_

-.-.-

"_And as we wind down on the road  
__Our shadows taller than our soul  
__There walks a lady we all know  
__Who shines white and wants to show  
__How everything turns to gold  
__And if listen very hard  
__The tune will come to you at last  
__When all are one and one is all  
__To be a rock and not to roll"  
__-Led Zepplin ("Stairway to Heaven")_

**EDITOR'S NOTE: Thank God, this one was easy to fix! Thank you freshman me!**_  
_


	7. Allegro and fortissimo

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Welcome back. Sorry I took so long to update. This chapter's a real pain in the ass. It jumps around a lot so I understand if it's hard to follow. See I had this idea so I wrote all this down thinking it sounded nice not realizing it doesn't flow well with a lot of this fic... Ugh... Well, yeah.  
****Yeah... I'm not sure when Yomi or Mukuro came into power. I've always assumed it was at the same time. I could be wrong but hey, I make up the rules here. Like... People with pink hair can't have names ending with t...  
****PS the poem at the beginning was written by me. Once again, I thought it sounded nice.**

_-.-.-  
__Chapter 7 Allegro and fortissimo_

_My mind has split  
__Contents spraying in the sky  
__I fall and reach for the river_

_Oh sanity, My sanity it-  
__It runs away from me  
__My fingers dive into it but it continues to run away_

_Why oh why do you not return to me  
__Do you fear me  
__Do you fear control  
__It slips through my fingers I call for You  
__Return! Return! (My dear friend)  
__Return Return (Give me what is mine)_

_Friends laughter smiles  
__Memories from whose eyes I don't remember  
__Where are you going? (Going?) Gone?  
__Gone (with the river)_

_I bang a fist  
__As a demon on the gates of hell  
__My heart screams and freezes in a blizzard of depression  
__Tears erupt and tear fires on my skin  
__My fingertips no longer feel what little possessions were mine  
__(Or were You- my sanity_ _and memories_- _already gone)  
__Where am I damned to? A cell in hell  
__But why is my soul here_

_And my blood froze  
__My only possession My only Friend My only Part  
__left  
__of  
__Me  
__Am I here? Will You stay? Or will You  
__too  
__leave  
__like  
__My Sanity...  
__My Memories..._

_My consciousness..._

-.-.-

When I took power, Raizen probably burst out laughing when he saw what became of that "stupid kid." I know he had no way of knowing me by name when we met that first time. But by seeing my face (or what was close to my face), he had to know who I was. Some time later another demon took power. His name was Yomi and it was supposedly the same Yomi in the stories with Youko Kurama. I never believed it. There was no way he could be that same blind man... He's too much of a fool to be that man. To be with Youko Kurama, you had to be a master of logic.

At the time we were torn by war. Yomi and I were trying to expand our territories and Raizen only sending forces to fight us off. By that time his power was begining to decline. People in his country were seeing how weak their king was becoming and possibly after weighing the possibilities, started to flood between Yomi and myself. Statistics show that somehow we both kept getting more people than the other. Statistics are full of shit.

The soldiers had a lot to say on the whole thing, apparently.

"Those guys following Yomi are a bunch of pussies! Who the hell would follow a blind man?"

"That guy's a stupid bastard. I doubt he was with Youko Kurama!"

"Yeah, man! Kurama would kill him!"

"You know what I would say to him? 'Fuck you!' That's what! Fuck him and fuck Raizen, too!"

"Yeah Lord Mukuro could kick their asses easy!"

"Hey you know what I've heard about Raizen's army? I heard they're a bunch of fags and they have orgies after every victory!"

"Pvvt. Yomi must have his own fag harem."

"Looks like he would."

I walked passed them all barely aware of their conversation. (I happened to find their lack of consciousness a little amusing. I'm not sure if they just didn't care who heard or if they genuinely did not notice I was walking by. It happens more often than you think.) Kirin suddenly came rushing to me screaming, "Lord Mukuro! Someone... He..." He continued in inaudible words.

I already knew what happened-suicide. He'd done it the other times he found dead bodies. Others have done the same to me, though they usually went through a process before they finally had someone tell me about it. It wasn't much of a surprise anymore. It never was. "Show me the body."

He lead me to a corpse that hanged themselves on a tree branch with their belt. I stared at him for a moment, trying to place him. _That's right. He was the one that never spoke unless he was forced to. It doesn't surprise me that he would commit suicide. I'm sure his "friends" only pressured him to join them. He wouldn't leave home; he's too timid. Too timid for a demon and maybe a human for that matter. _"Then bury the body somewhere where you think it won't be destroyed if it bothers you so much."

I saw one of his eyes twitch. I was sure he was going to call me a heartless bastard but he restrained himself. Lately he started to gain more courage towards questioning me. It was comforting. You wouldn't think it was but it was. "I'm sure you don't think that's right, but did you ever consider how many other soldiers committed suicide? That's more than twice the amount of casualties so far. That's a rough estimate. A very rough estimate. I've seen countless soldiers do it but I don't stop them."

"You don't?"

"You sound surprised. Why should I stop them if they're so hellbent on dying? They'll let themselves die one way or another so it would be basically be pointless to save a life they don't want. If they cared about what might happen to their body and soul they wouldn't do it or join in the war for that matter. I have no real right to control how they decide to end their lives really. I'm no god. You could worship me like one but it won't change the fact that I have limits to how far I could fly."

"But why...?"

"Why does the thought of suicide confuse you? I told you before that I've seen countless soldiers commit suicide. Why is this one any special? Furthermore didn't you say you wrote a suicide note so you could leave home? Are you sure that he didn't really mean it?"

"Well, uh..." Kirin's eyes shifted between me and the body. Hell, having this talk with me was probably awkward enough without having this corpse looming over us.

"Kirin. You're not home anymore and it's too late to change that. You're serving under a larger cause now. The only way to survive would be to nullify your emotions or if possible, kill them all together. You can't live off sentiment as a demon. If you let anger alone take control you may make it but anything else could get you killed. You're not a human that would allow petty emotions run your life. That's not the discipline you need to survive. You need the discipline to stop making death so tragic just because you know the person and not care because you don't know another. Furthermore suicide isn't that bad. Consider what it's like for the opposing side. Disease, starvation, lack of adequate supplies. This is a more favorable position, don't you think so? Not a good path to take, though..." Or maybe that's just the other side of me talking...

I put a hand on his shoulder and his memories poured into my mind. It took me a minute to take it all in. My head started pounding from the overwhelming amount of information. Though... Thinking it through, seeing him throw his life away to go with me, it was pretty depressing. I knew he missed his family, and his mother most of all. I really envied that. It's better to have a mother that you miss than to never have one at all. It was just filled too much with regrets... And I could see that this other soldier meant a lot to him. God, I wish I knew what that was like... But still... "Your past with him shows that he was considering it for a while." I started to walk away.

"What?" He turned to me.

"Your consciousness wasn't that pleasant." I left him with that.

While I was walking away from him, I remembered when he questioned why he wasn't my second in command. That was years and years ago. I remembered telling him that I only based it by the strengths of the men. Apparently he thought he would have been the number two just because he was an acquaintance of mine. I told him his strength was in between the eleventh and thirteenth men just to end the conversation. Too bad though. While that was a fact, the numbers had no importance really. I only thought it sounded nice. Numbers are full of shit in general.

But that situation only showed he wasn't cut out to be a soldier.

-.-.-

"_You know. I think I'll do my best to protect Lord Mukuro in the next battle," Kirin said after a moment's hesitation. He continued to fiddle with the loose button on his uniform, trying his best to make the comment seem casual.  
_

_His friend glanced at him and laughed. He dropped the insignia he was polishing. "That was really, gay man! Oh shit... Hey, don't walk anywhere unless you wanna hole in your shoe, guys... But still, that was really, really gay. I mean, you sound like your-Oh there it is!-in love with him or something."_

_Another replied, "I know! Lord Mukuro ain't into fags or low classes ones like you! What, you been humpin' your pillow, imagining that it's him and hoping your fantasy would come true some day?" He laughed even harder, slapping his thigh as he did._

"_Hey, I'm not gay," Kirin growled. "I'm just saying that it's important to-"  
_

"_Yeah, man. Kirin's not gay. He thinks Lord Mukuro's a transsexual," the first one joked again. "Oh, my stomach! It...! It hurts from laughing so much! Oh fucking A! I dropped it again! You guys are assholes. Plus one gay..."_

"_Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll turn out that it's a woman under there!" the second one added._

"_Yeah you could get married and have lots of deformed kids! Don't stutter while you fuck, either. Women don't like that. Don't go and scream, 'O-o-h L-lord Mu-ku-kuro'! And name one after me!"_

"_And me!"_

"_And after my little brother! His name's... Uh... Fuck, I haven't been home so long I can't remember his goddamn name. Oh fuck! I just stepped on something sharp! Fuck!"_

_The soldier grabbed the other's boot and tugged the insignia out. _"_You fucktard... __And name one after my sisters!"_

"_Both of you shut up!" Kirin clenched his fists. "Lord Mukuro would get pretty pissed off when he hears about this. He'll kill you. I know it. He says there's hundreds of demons joining in to replace the ones that died."_

"_Ah, lighten up, will ya? He'd laugh if he found out you were gay for him! Hell, he might pity you and give you a kiss! Don't go too far! He might not swing that way." the first one replied. Then he sighed at the blood on the pin of the insignia.  
_

"_Besides that, he'd probably be the one to protect you if he cares. Guy's got some real balls, you know! I mean, you ever see him fight? It's fucking bad ass is what it is. I would pay good money to see him and Yomi at it. Through in Raizen too I guess. If anyone doesn't need protection, it's Lord Mukuro," the second one added._

"_I'm saying it's my duty as a soldier. Even if it kills me," Kirin began to walk away from the two._

"_You know, you've changed since Lord Mukuro said all that about suicide. I don't like it. You just don't laugh with us like you used to and then you get butt hurt too easy. It's annoying."_

"_I don't know why I deal with you two anymore. If he were committing suicide I would actually do something about it but you guys would only piss your pants."_

"_You're a bastard!"_

"_With your attitude, you'll get killed someday, and it won't hurt me. And me? I'd be his second in command one day."_

_The first one frowned. "Dream on. He's right. You have changed and I don't like it either. You're just being a douche right now."_

_Kirin shrugged. "Maybe a little discipline was all I needed."_

_His predictions became true sometime within the next two hundred fifty years.  
_

_-.-.-_

"_Hear the sound of the falling rain  
__Coming down like an Armageddon flame  
__The shame  
__The ones who died without a name  
__Hear the dogs howling out of key  
__To a Hymn called "Faith and Misery"  
__And bleed the company has lost the war today"_

_-Green Day ("Holiday")_

_-.-.-_

There was a battle that had been going on for fifty years. I was sure that we would stay in a stalemate for hundreds of years at the rate we were going, but that was time we really didn't have. So I decided to end it as quickly as possible by cutting through the oncoming troops, probably killing some of my own men in the process. That technique I learned all those years ago. The enemy froze and they just stood there, all of them with that same priceless look on there faces. Then they were given the command to retreat. I don't think I've ever seen troops move that quickly.

I heard someone whisper, "What the hell was that?"

I saw someone bold enough to move walk to the line. Before they could do something stupid I told him, "Don't go near it. If you touch it you die. By the way, if I do that again, steer clear of it for a while. It takes hours for that effect to wear off. If you ever feel as though we need a last resort, then you know who to ask." I knew it was a stupid question to tack on but still I asked, "Any questions?" What am I, a teacher now?

"But what is it, Lord Mukuro?" one of the younger soldiers asked.

"I can cut through dimensions and through anyone that's there at the wrong time." Apparently that was all anyone had to say on the matter. I walked away and as I did I heard someone whisper, "Goddamn! If I pissed him off, I hope he forgives me!"

Wouldn't that be a sight?

-.-.-

Apparently the enemy surrendered after that battle. I figured the general heard about what happened and surrendered out of fear. It had happened in other battles. People just didn't want to face the possibility of being cut in the space they were in.

"They also wanted to give you something," Kirin, who was my second in command that the time, held up something. "They called it something like a Hirui stone. Apparently the general of their army found it in the river while he was bathing. He thought you would like it. He said it was... special somehow. When I asked him what it was that made him think that way, he couldn't give me an answer. He just said that it made him feel that it was special."

"I see." Once he left, I stared at the stone. There was something strange about it. It was this sense of foreboding like I would find the one who had it first. And what was stranger... It made me feel... calm. As if all my hatred just melted away. I didn't want to move. I would have been happy just to stand there with the stone in my hand for the rest of my life. I couldn't believe it. _Is that even possible?_

I thought it was only an attraction to its shimmer. I hid it in my stomach just so know it wouldn't be stolen... And after that... Things slowly melted away.

-.-.-

_"I beg to dream and differ  
From the hollow lies  
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives  
On holiday"_

_-Green Day ("Holiday")_

**EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, it was stated that Yomi had come into power quite a while after Mukuro. I don't know how long ago. But it was definitely longer than five hundred years ago. How do you get into power and immediately argue with Raizen? The hell?  
"So what do you have to say now that you're king?"  
"I have something to say to Mukuro and Raizen... I disagree!"  
"Uh... Okay... I'll put that into a history book..." (Hey, I actually think that's kind of bad ass.)  
Kirin is really extreme, isn't he? If you read this and 1945, you would be so confused. If you read this and the manga, you would also be confused. I tried to make this fixed as much as possible. I might go back and fix it again, but there's a lot I need to edit so...**


	8. Andante and Moderato

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Once again, I'm sorry about any confusion the last chapter gave you. That was all my fault. And this time I had awful writer's block. But I'm making it up with a faster update. But I'll tell you now that the next chapter might gross you out a bit... (Details next chapter! EDIT: Hmm... I wonder why the details about next chapter are IN THE NEXT CHAPTER?) I also put in quotes from the English version of the anime. They might not be exact but I got the gist of it. Also, the rating went up just because they drop the F bomb a lot... Among other things.  
****And I am so freaking sick or politics! I don't care! Just get some of our problems fixed and take the guys on death row off suicide watch while you're at it! (Am I the only one seeing irony in all that?) So now I give you a political chapter! Ha!** **I also mention the way Yomi rules. It may or may not be true but that's the thing about first person mode: bias. Notice how she spends less time on herself than she does on Yomi. Coincidence? And I also mention homosexuality apparently not producing children. There's a reason I mention that on the same line as artificial insemination. I actually based some of that stuff of of Stalin but not all. Review for details.  
****Last thought... I suggest you not eat when you read the last scene. (The one after Raizen leaves) It's pretty gorey. But not gross like tubgirl or goatse. (Whatever you do, don't look at those pictures unless you wanna be grossed out.) Onward ho!**

_-.-.-_

_Chapter 8 Andante and Moderato_

It was a few years after I took power that Raizen said something that would throw Demon World in a worldwide war. That whole thing that would slowly over the course of five hundred years break us all into a me versus you versus them scenario. The thing that would eventually lead us into a slow two, if not, three front war. "I want to stop this eating of humans."

_Is he serious? Stop eating humans? What else are we supposed to eat?_ At this point, I was sick of having to deal with all this war. For some reason, I really thought it wouldn't escalate further if I gave a half assed answer. I replied, "I can't stand anything that isn't human though I have started to curb away from eating them." Not quite riding the fence but I was still pretty damn close to doing so.

Yomi also went against Raizen's decision. "We should eat as many as we want. They multiply like they're close to extinction as it is." I had a feeling he just wanted to disagree just for the sake of disagreeing. This radical view was pretty uncharacteristic of him. The exports of human flesh to his country are about equal to mine. But that might just be speculation.

We both still wait for Raizen to starve and then it would be chaos. Like I said before. A possible three front war. It's unlikely that Raizen's people would take to just being taken over by Yomi or myself easily. But I suspect that their revolts would be easily squashed. The only way to make their threat lessened is to kick them out of their land. But that's years away. We can worry about that when we get there.

-.-.-

I remembered something that happened a few years before I took power. This was when Kirin and his friends were traveling with me. We happened to come across some small town. It was nearly empty. I could see them putting population forty-three on their sign. I'm not sure if it was always this empty or if the people happened to be aware of our (or maybe just mine, as Kirin and his friends never exactly made much of a name for themselves) coming and picked up and left. I remember we came across a large, obviously deserted building.

I pointed to graffiti on the wall that read, "RAIZEN IS A ASSHOLE" with "MUTHRFKR" and "SHITHEDZ" written underneath it in varying forms of chickenstratch and in varying colors of paint. "Look. Do you find that amusing in any way?" I don't know what compelled me to ask. I don't think I ever knew what made me ask that question.

"What? You find something wrong with it? It isn't if it's true," Kirin's friend replied. I could tell he was trying to tone down the "Are you stupid" feel to the answer. These kids didn't get out much, did they?

"He's a good enough leader." In fact, why did I even argue?

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, no one's turned against him until now. The reason behind it is because he intimidates his people."

"No, the humans had a king somewhere that they beheaded. No one turned against him until he was charged with tyranny. They weren't scared of him. He just didn't bother them."

"So he doesn't intimidate you?"

"He just didn't bother me. Not much until recently. That's why we all decided we wanted to go to you. Just say how much of a dumbfuck he really was and thought, man, you really know what we need. And you're obviously smarter than he is and..."

I wish he knew how to cut the bullshit. "So if I told you to go of and kill him right now you wouldn't go without getting worried in the slightest bit?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"You wouldn't worry for your life? Despite the fact the fact that he could kill you if he wanted to?"

"Sure. It's for a cause and if I'm lucky, it'll start this huge revolution. So in the end my death will mean something. And you know people'd say, Gee, I think this guy's right. You know what I mean?"

"Actually I've been told that several assassins have been sent after him. Not many have left alive. You think a revolution would come out of your attempt? People are too scared to go against him." And if it were at such a large scale as he claims it is, I would have been king a long time ago. I'm not complaining or anything.

"So what? You aren't scared of him?"

"I'm just an outlaw. I keep doing what I'm doing because I actually enjoy it."

"You enjoy killing people?"

At the time... I suppose I did. It was never really justified now that I think about it. But no matter how much pain I may get after the fact, I would never be able to bring those rotting corpses back. Come to think of it. I don't think I made eye contact with these guys in the whole conversation... "With or without good intentions behind it, we'll never know. Don't forget that you joined with a murderer. And not only that, you actually approached me and requested that you join me. You should at least know who you joined forces with."

"Yeah cause you were against Raizen! But it turns out you're not! I thought you were gonna kill him!"

"Propaganda is a way to control people. By letting the people think I tried to kill him Raizen is keeping his people under control using terror tactics. With that he keeps his people too scared to leave their homes therefore keeping people like you from continuing my supposed work. It's the easiest way for a ruler to control their people."

"That's not the reason behind it at all." He wasn't hearing what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear me say that I agreed with these fools who wrote graffiti. I wish more people were aware of how cowardly graffiti artists are.

"So tell me. What is it really?"

"We don't get the right news all that much. We figure stuff out through gossip. You know how gossip is. Partially true but mostly bull shit."

"So why has there been no revolution?"

"No one cares enough to have one. Raizen doesn't bother enough people to be overthrown. But even if he did, then people still won't do it because they don't care. They need people like us to tell them that they should care and that it's okay to care cause then they can finally have a shit for brains king anymore."

"He doesn't bother them because they're being controlled. People don't really care as long as they have food in their stomachs and a roof over their head. Most people have their needs met so they don't care. But the people who are bothered are too scared to go against the guy."

"So you're saying a good leader would have to keep his people controlled through intimidation."

"If it keeps them under control for the most part but doing that is a gamble. If the people are sick of that rule then chances will be against the ruler. If he has no one around to do his dirty work and to keep them under control, and as long as no outside forces think they need to put their hands into the mix, then there will be no chance of anyone rebelling."

"What's the best way to rule then?" I could tell he was one step away from adding, "If you're so smart."

"We're demons. Any way to rule will leave a group unsatisfied. Even anarchy won't work."

"What's wrong with anarchy?"

"A lawless land isn't necessarily a good thing. Laws were made to protect the people."

"So if you were a ruler what would you do to control people?" Kirin nudged him in the ribs to get him to shut up. I turned around to see the guy holding up his fist as a threat to the guy. He turned back to me, really wanting to have this whole thing fleshed out. I didn't want to talk about this anymore. I already knew that if I dragged it on, this wouldn't get anywhere.

"Getting a little bold, aren't you?" The conversation cut off there.

-.-.-

At one point, Raizen came to fight me for his own amusement. I didn't sense any blood lust coming from him. I didn't feel anything coming from him which would indicate his wanting to just cut my throat. There was no reason to fight to kill. But with his strength at the time, I didn't think it would have been worth it. I didn't feel like killing this man at the time anyway. It's interesting. The one time that I had to test his strength, I have no real memory of it. It just comes off as a blur to me. It was either just that interesting that my mind can't comprehend it anymore or it was really just boring as hell.

I do remember that after it was over he smirked and said "Well you sure as hell don't have the energy of a louse anymore." He added on a laugh that sounded like a dunk's. (Did he always laugh like that? I don't think I ever remember him ever laughing and yet I feel like I have heard it before. Why am I bothering to wonder about this? It's not important and I really shouldn't worry about it.) Once he had his drunk off life laugh, he went on, "Yomi's just a step above it. Could snap his neck easy if I wanted to. Though I think I went a bit easy on his seeing how he can't see. You ever see a blind guy fight? It's fucking weird is what it is. But this guy almost blew my mind at how he could do it. Blind people shouldn't be able to fight."

What, is he five? "I'm sure he's that weak. As far as I know, he's only capable of pointing his finger at someone and start throwing insults at them. Though, you are aware that his hearing is about ten times better than ours so he could just as easily track your every move."

"Yeah. I doubt being blind and having six ears really improves your hearing that much, but I'll pat you on the back for coming up with the numbers like that. I guess it makes you feel better." Prick. "I'd prefer to take him out first if I had to choose. It'd be easier to make him scream than to make you do the same. And I think I might get more out of making him doing it. Though with you I actually have to work for it..." At this point, his statements were creeping me out a little. Though I know where he was coming from. "I like you better than him. You actually have potential. And you're actually smart. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders, even if you have no sense of direction, and even if you can't figure out when to stop and turn around."

I really could have choked him for that. I didn't have much to say against that. Somehow that conversation turned to ways to torture Yomi. I don't know how it ended in that direction, but it did. At least it was something we could see eye to eye on. Raizen kept bursting out in his drunken laughter. (If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was.) Hell, for a second, I kind of regretted ever wanting to kill this man. Though I have a feeling that was what he wanted.

"Yomi doesn't show it but he's really scared of you," Raizen added after he finished laughing. Apparently he possessed the ability to suddenly change his moods. Kind of like a teenage girl. "He thinks it's creepy that you persecute slave owners. I don't know why it's that of all things. You do other things that scare the crap out me, even. Unless he happens to have his secret stash of slaves. I'll tip my nonexistent hat to you for scaring me enough to rule out slavery for me though." He was probably trying all he could to charm me.

But... Persecute slave owners? Not exactly. I didn't persecute them. I just outlawed slavery and punished anyone who happened to be pulling it behind my back. Some have speculated that once you get arrested in my country you never see the light of day again. I just made the sentences long years in prison. Apparently a lot of the criminals died in prison. I never paid attention to it. Things gets violent when you're with hundreds of men that want their freedom.

Yomi is a lot worse. He makes paranoia more than just a full-time job. He gets the people in on it too. Hundreds of people he may need are killed because of his paranoia. If you so much as glance at another country he'll have his secret police sent after you. He also has you executed immediately even if you say something as simple as one of his hairs being in the wrong place. If a child were angry with their parents then they could turn them into the secret police saying they were criticizing their king and they would never be seen again. He never denies or confirms these statements despite his good hearing. I guess he just wanted these people out of his hair.

Birthrates were low there too. Apparently he sends couples notices of how many children they could have if any. (He apparently has a problem with people with more than three children. The only reasonable explanation I've heard was that it came from his fear of overpopulation.) If the couple were to have less children they would actually get more rations. If the couple went over the limit the extra child (or children in the case that the children weren't reported or if the secret police waited) would be killed or sent to slavery if they were over five years of age. Then he would have the father castrated or the mother's womb cut or sometimes both. I've also heard speculations that people just want to have their kids and are too scared to get any pleasure only because Yomi happened to be listening in. (Currently Yomi refuses to do anything but deny ever listening to his people.)

If the people did all they could for their country (which is basically being worked to death) then the secret police would place a medal on their dead body at their funeral. A fucked up kind of medal of honor for the people who can't go to war or are too afraid of dying in battle. However only ten percent of the population were given the honor because few individual workers were acknowledged thus leaving the honor to be saved for their supervisor in most cases. The strength of the group is the strength of the leader, indeed.

The economy is quickly raising but as the economy grows, the quality of life the people have worsens. The few immigrants that managed to make it here said that it wasn't uncommon for males to be castrated at birth and for the females to have their fallopian tubes tied or ovaries cut out as soon as they began menstruating. Females were often killed at birth and there was a smaller chance of them getting proper medical care just for the purpose of keeping birthrates low. (Ironically he allows artificial insemination. It's also rumored that he encourages homosexuality because he thinks it produces no children.)

"That fun with you aside, and you really amuse me, you do. (And I'll say it again- prick.) But fun time is over... I came for a more diplomatic purpose," his statement almost sounded sarcastic. Or maybe he was disappointed he couldn't keep going on about his hate for Yomi forever. "Care to set up an alliance with me?"

That was random. I wasn't exactly shocked either. I think I was more offended at the time, actually. "Why?"

"Think about it. After that you could dethrone Yomi and when I die, you can take over my parts and have Demon World in an unity. And like I said earlier, I don't think you're that much of the scum of the earth. But you got that level head on your shoulders and you and I... We got similar ideas. I can see that what you really want is peace. You don't wanna make this into hell in a basket so..."

"Your people wouldn't like that." It's true. Saying my name in public was the equivalent of calling someone a cunt in public. Except people actually turned heads when it was said. I didn't exactly want peace. I just didn't want things to change. It's too much work. Too much stress.

"Well, they _could_ change their minds..." Meaning he would brainwash them into liking me.

"How many thousand years are you planning for this to continue working?"

"Well if you refuse I could always ally with Yomi. It won't be as much fun but I can and I just might, Mukuro."

"He hates everything about us both. Can't you see that I can't stand your smooth talk?"

"Hm..." He looked as if he were trying to make the statement simpler for himself. He probably needed it. "Well, I can see I'm not going to get you on my side. I guess I'll just give you a warning. I just feel like I need to give you one." _Oh just spit it out already._ "You better watch out for Yomi. He wants to unify Demon World and get into the Spirit and Human Realms. I think you can see where that'll take you after... Well, you know after what." He left after that.

Unity? We're fine the way we are- separated. I really don't see what the hell Yomi's problem is. Just can't keep his hands out of anything, I guess. He can't get enough power. Something.

-.-.-

_There are no...  
__Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses  
__It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses  
__The shade of the sheets before all the stains  
__And a few more of your least favorite things_

_-Panic! At the Disco (Build God Then We'll Talk)_

_-.-.-  
_

A few days after that I found my second in command dead. There was a nail right where his removed heart would have been if it hadn't been thrown on the floor. His hands were also nailed to hold him up and the nail through his opened chest cavity slowly drove a long tear in him. His skin was torn from the collar bone to his waist, opening him up the same way they opened a person up in a autopsy. His stomach was shoved in his open mouth and his intestines were wrapped around his neck like some twisted form of a scarf. The rest of his organs- his spleen, his liver, his ripped lungs...- were thrown on the floor, obviously crushed under the offender's feet.

"So anyone care to explain what happened here?" The crowd glanced at the body and then back at me.

"Sir... We... I... We're not particularity sure who committed this heinous crime, milord! We shall search for him at once!" One of the braver ones ran away with two others following him. I knew they weren't going to find him. I wouldn't have been surprised if I found them huddling in a closet crying the image out of their minds.

Kirin came at that moment and stared at the body like it was a bad prop in a film as he muttered, "Well would you look at that?" He saluted me and walked away.

I suspected the killer was him. I wouldn't put it past him but I never did figure it out for sure. There were some strong implications. He was the guy who would at least have his stomach turned by something like this. I never asked him if he did it. There were other things going on. Bothering him about it now doesn't make much sense to me.

-.-.-

_Welcome to a new kind of tension  
__All across the alienation  
__Where everything isn't meant to be okay  
__Television dreams of tomorrow  
__We're not the ones meant to follow  
__For that's enough to argue_

_-Green Day (American Idiot)_

**EDITOR'S NOTES: Man, this was more fun to edit. I liked making the love-hate relationship between Mukuro and Raizen. (I don't mean, "lolz Mukuro I'm in luv w u." "lol Raizen lets make out") There's not much said about Raizen other than he died. That's all he ever does if he's mentioned. If you mentioned him in conversation people would say, "Who?" and then you'll have to say, "The guy who starved himself to death." "Oh yeah!" (This is an exaggeration.)  
Something weird about this is when you put this with 1945 again... Yomi seems more like the Mukuro presented in 1945 actually. I mean, she was pretty psycho in that one (but that was the point actually, no really). I don't that and this are compatible.  
Mukuro actually killed her previous number two and it was less gruesome. It was her birthday and the guy was being a dick apparently. I dunno. But she killed him, be sure of that. But Kirin was the killer here. What a douche. (Mukuro on her birthday is like Dumbledore and his headaches.)**


	9. Moderato

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Yusuke falls too damn much in the opening themes. In the first one (From the Spirit Detective Saga to the Dark Tournament Saga) he's falling with the rest of the guys. The second one (Chapter Black saga) He's falling from the sky. And the third one (Three Kings saga... Obviously.) He's falling in the beginning... And at another point. What the hell Yusuke! Quit falling so damn much!  
****Anyway... Onto the important stuff. This one's a really odd one. But you gotta expect that if it came to me in a dream. Meh... It's kinda gruesome here too. People getting their heads hacked off... But that's pretty much fifty percent of this fic. You can skip if you want. This is the filler chapter. Why? Because everyone does it at one point or another... It's good when used conservatively. And when it's not a one hundred percent pointless one. (This was somewhat important...) Onward then...**

_-.-.- _

_Chapter 9 Moderato_

We catch hundreds of prisoners of war all the time. They never last long. We usually kill them too fast to figure out what we could do to them. There was this one we caught at one point that caused a lot of disturbance...

"Your ruler is a psychotic motherfucker. Don't you bastards see that? Of course not because you can't even think for yourselves enough to know that he is. You guys are just following some psycho ass fucker who hides behind a mask. I bet you guys are gonna cry if you find out it's something stupid under there like some weak woman or freak of nature- oh wait, that's right! He already is some fucked up thing dropped on this earth to-" He was killed before that thought could be finished. (I would have wanted to see where he went with that actually.) I heard Kirin rant about it to the soldiers for days (or was it weeks or months?) to boost morale. Apparently insulting people like a toddler was enough to make people want to go to war right away.

For some reason it started to bother me. It just made me think back to when...

It was just after you were done with me. You just let me run amok outside. I'm surprised you didn't send anyone after me but I was able to run out. I hid in the back though I knew you'd find me. You always did. You had that fucked up ability to find me no matter where I went. I hid in the bushes and curled up tightly so I could keep myself warm in the cold midnight air. Then I heard a whimper from behind me and then a shuffling in the leaves. I rolled over to see a pair of eyes glowing in the darkness and when my eyes adjusted to the dark I saw it was a mother dog with her two chestnut colored pups nestling underneath her arms for warmth. The mother stared at me, waiting for me to attack her pups.

I stared back at her and hesitantly moved my hand toward her. I thought the mother would have sniffed my hand like they say dogs do. I thought she would let me touch her. I hoped she would lick my hand like they say that dogs do. (I remember they said it means the dog's showing affection. I hoped I would get real affection for once.) Instead, she went against all my silly expectations- she bit my hand so she punctured my skin. Yelping, I pulled my hand away. She responded with a low growl warning me to stay away from her. I crawled two feet away from her and slept there. Or I tried to, anyway. I was too cold outside, especially with the sweat on me.

The next morning I happened to sneak some food out for her. No one was looking for me yet. I wasn't important yet. Just when I held my hand out to her in the brush, she leapt out and bit my hand in the same place and hid in the brush again. I dropped it in front of the bushes and she bit my hand again as soon as she came out to get it. I backed away slowly, holding my hand to stop the bleeding, and stayed to watch her eat it. After a few minutes she took a step towards me and started growling for more food.

That was the extent of our relationship. I gave her food and in return she gave me her trust. Sometimes I would spend hours (and once a whole day) out there with her. Always after you were done with me. I shouldn't have kept doing what I was doing. It was just fake love in a nutshell. But I thought any other kind of love was better than what I had right now.

But that morning it was over. That day you caught me with her...

I guess you were out to have one of the servants cut wood (or even to the present day I hope that was the intent, though I know you have no one do anything of the sort) that day because I saw you come out with an axe. You just happened to glance over at the brush where we were sitting and you stopped humming your cheerful melody and stared. Then you squinted as if trying to make sure your eyes weren't deceiving you.

"Mukuro." Your grip tightened on the handle of the axe. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The mother dog sprung up and started growling at you.

"Oh, I get it! I get it... You're trying to take her away from me! You're trying to steal her!" The axe was swung right into her stomach. You pulled it out of her body, causing her intestines to slide out, and as soon as her body hit the ground her head was sliced off. You split her stomach open in the other direction, making a cross on her gut. Then you jammed a foot into her split abdomen and pulled it out entangled in her organs.

The pups suffered the same fate but you still continued to slice them into smaller pieces in your hysteria as if they wouldn't die unless they were cut until they were literally bloody pulps. I'd never seen you put so much effort into anything as long as I'd known you. I was more shocked at the fact that you could use an axe that well. (I should have been more shocked at the fact that you killed the dogs like that. They were just _dogs._) I'm sure the other girls just wanted to know whose blood that was all over you. (All you had to say for yourself was how I ruined your best shoes and that I would have to pay for that. You remember that? Do you remember destroying a broom to discipline me. Don't you fucking make me tell you what you did to me. You know what the hell you did to me.)

I heard a rustling in the bushes and a man and a woman emerged. They stood there, wide eyed and frozen, probably contemplating wether or not they should leave and pretend they didn't see what they just saw. I stumbled toward them and the husband (I assumed they were husband and wife.) grabbed the wife around the waist and pulled her away. Whatever they walked in on, they didn't want to get involved.

The man only managed to whimper in a near whisper, "Stay... Stay away from us... Don't come any closer..."

"You too... I thought I told you to stay away... Why do you keep trying to take her away from me!" The husband met the same fate as the dogs.

The wife fell to her knees and whispered something inaudible. She just stared at you, tears streaming from her eyes. Just before she could plead for mercy her head was split open. You didn't even give her the chance to choose her fate. Though the fate she got was better than what you would have given her.

"No more... No more..." Then you continued to engage in some nonsense chatter to yourself. Something about how no one else was there to take me away. Who knows why you had so much value in me.

I just stared at the mound of flesh and blood that was once the mother dog and her two chestnut pups. The only other form of life, the only comfort I had- gone. The only ones who were so close to actually loving me. Gone.

This was after your punishment. I woke up at sunrise, knowing that you like to have your "beauty sleep" and tried to sneak out. Once I was in the front door, I stopped. Something made me think it through, think of where I was going to go. It was enough time for you to make it over to the room just as my hand was turning the knob. You slapped my hand. "Not this time, Precious..." You waved a finger in my face as if that were supposed to convince me. You took a swig of whiskey and went on. "You've been a bad girl..." You grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to where you kept the axe. "A very bad girl. You didn't understand what I was teaching you before, did you?"

You put the bottle down and hit me in the ribs with the blunt side of the axe and then you hit me again in the solar plexis. As I regained the breath that was knocked out of me, you started laughing. "You look so beautiful covered in blood like that." You slapped me. "Why do I love you Mukuro? You don't hug me or kiss me or tell me you love me." Another slap. "You just scream and run away. Why do I love you? You know your daddy is a nice man? Yes he is. If I were another man I would kill you because men are really mean. They don't like bad girls like you. Men did things to your mommy, yes they did. Killed her right after you were born but your daddy saved you from the bad men. You don't need anyone to take you away. You have me. I'm better than those bad men. I love you. They don't. They just want to steal you away from me and... And... Grab you by the neck," You put your hands around my neck. "...And s..." You grumbled the next statement. "And kill you when they're done!"

You started to drone on on the same subject which eventually drifted toward how my mother died. I never paid attention to details about her. It was never the same story. I always assumed she left you and was killed not long after so then you took out your sexual frustrations on me.

"Now you if be a good girl and I won't have to be a bad man..." You waved your finger in my face again and took another swig of whiskey. Did I mention that I can't stand drunks? You know what I do to drunks, father?

You want to know what the hell when I see one, when I even see the trace of one around me. Just see their drunk selves dragging their asses around? You want to know what I do to them? You don't know. You want to know?

Oh. You don't want to know. You really don't want to know.

-.-.-

"_Memories consume like opening the wound  
__I'm picking my part again  
__You all assume I'm safe here in my room  
__Unless I try to start again"  
__-Linkin Park ("Breaking the Habit")_

_-.-.-  
_

I've never forgotten the husband and wife. It made me rethink everything. I knew I was coming toward them and I remember saw that they got scared. But it made me wonder if that was all I was doing. I knew I was covered in blood but I assumed it was from being near the dogs when they became piles of flesh. But how did I know I wasn't tearing them apart with my bare hands? How did I know I wasn't the one slaughtering everyone and the only reason they feared me was because I was insane? I know that childhood memories don't always last or stay the way it really happened.

Come to think of it, I rethought my days as a slave. I knew I was alienated because of my rebellious ideas. But was there more? Was I chattering to myself in the same way you did? Am I really insane? They say these things run in the family... What's your verdict?

_Defendant_ _found innocent until proven guilty_.

-.-.-

"_She didn't choose this role  
__But she'll play it sincere  
__So you cry, you cry  
__(Gimme a break!)  
__But they believe it from the tears  
__And the teeth right down to the blood  
__At her feet"  
__-Panic! At the Disco ("Time to Dance")_

-.-.-

We were marching through some half isolated village. Just when we were at the very heart of it a man stumbled into the middle of our path. The troops stopped. There was a tense silence even after someone coughed as if to say, "Just move out of the goddamn way!"

The man swallowed a huge gulp of whatever it was that he had in that bottle. (I assumed it was whiskey. It smelled like it.) Oh god, there it is. A fucking drunkard. I did have one moment when... The drunk stumbled closer and squinted at me.

"What seems to be the problem?" Kirin asked. He was holding back the urge to kill him on sight. You don't want to know what was running through my mind. I should say it, shouldn't I? My mind is about to fucking explode if I don't say it.

"I'm sure I've seen ya'll before..." the man said.

"I'm sure you have."

"Haven't I seen you before, lady?" Everyone froze and stared. They all looked at me. They quickly turned away from me for some reason. The man was doing something again. It's a blur actually. "Yeah... That's where I saw you!"

Kirin just stared speechless for a minute and then forced himself to speak. "..._He_ is your king. That's where you saw _him_ and _he_ is _not_ a woman in any way. Now would..."

The man was about to touch me when (What the hell?)

Right when the man hit the ground, I ordered that we march onward.

"They're sorry you had to see that," Kirin mumbled after we left the village. He looked uncomfortable. He sounded like he just saw hell. I suppose the drunk was a pretty big shock for him. It's not often you have bold people like that come along.

"Desperation is a scary thing, isn't it?"

He glanced at me curiously and replied, "I suppose. But I doubt desperation does it justice."

"Not alone but maybe partnered with something it would..."

"Insanity?" Why'd he just say that so quickly?

"Maybe if the two could join."

"I could figure if I understood sanity and insanity. Didn't you use to say you didn't understand it yourself?"

"I still don't."

"Mind tricks..." Silence. "Something awful's amiss."

"Isn't it always?"

"I suppose."

So what is insanity? How do we know if we are insane? How do we know if we are the innocent man hanging on the gallows or the lying criminal let free? How do we know if our memories are figments of our imaginations or not? We don't. We never will.

_Case closed. Defendant found innocent until proven guilty._

**EDITOR'S NOTES: This was actually really disturbing before the edit. I wanted to add more of the surreal, creepiness to it so I added in the possibility of insanity even more. Just a chapter of her being unreliable. And I hope that that part where I cut off at when really scared you. And her rant about alcoholics. Oh man, this is awesome.**** What was it with me and whiskey when I wrote this?**_  
_


	10. Bondless

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: [Pointless news report was placed here. What the hell was the point of telling anyone all that anyway?]****  
****I have this great urge to make Yomi hate Muk****uro after all I wrote. In Yusuke the Detective and in Ride like the Wind they get along too well. (Edit: Lie. It was one sided. Though I made it less of a joke in Ride like the Wind than I did in Yusuke the Detective... But it was originally meant to be humorous nonetheless.) I think Togashi might get mad if he saw that. (Yes, because Togashi totally cares what an American teenage girl has to say about his series.) So here I make up for it.  
****I liked writing the part about the cult members though. A mix of super feminists and communists.  
****By the way, the chapter titles changed. I lost the thing that had all the chapter titles in it. So I'm doing like they did in **_**Loveless**_** (the anime) and every chapter will have a word ending with "–less" (i.e. Loveless, nameless, endless, etc.) Onward. (PS Don't ask me what the carving meant. I don't know. But I can translate everything else.) [PPS... Who uses PS and so forth these days anyway?]  
**

_-.-.-.-  
__Chapter 10 Bondless_

"Forever and for never  
What is and what isn't  
And he walked to the sun"

"_What's it supposed to meant, sir?" the young soldier asked (Whining probably did it more justice though.) Kirin, half tugging on his arm the way a child would to a parent for attention. After about five minutes of Kirin not answering, he went on, "I still don't get it after reading it five times… Does it make any sense to _you_? I mean you're smart and stuff so...__"_

"_You remember Lord Mukuro's last laugh?" Kirin asked staring at the carving in the stone in intellectual pursuit. "'What makes the sky green? What relates a stone to a beetle? What makes water run up a hill? What relates all these questions?' That one? Tell me the answer to that."_

_The soldier just stared at him with wide eyes. After half a minute, he just came to the easiest answer he could have thought of. _"…_The speaker?"_

"_No dipshit! The answer's nothing!" another soldier growled, smacking the young one on the back of the head."Why are you so stupid?"  
_

"_Lord Mukuro's sense of humor lies more with intellect. He could be a real comedian to us if we paid close attention. This," he indicated the carving, "was one of them. Probably his way of saying 'I was here.'"_

"_You don't know? You've known him longer than we have and you don't know?" the second soldier asked._

"_You could ask but he could come up with some other justification. I only know few of what lies in that brilliant mind of his…" He sighed, knowing that the little he did know was maybe a fraction of a percentage in the scheme of things._

_-.-.-  
_

"_The lunatic is on the grass  
__The lunatic is on the grass  
__Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs  
__Got to keep the loonies on the path  
__-Pink Floyd (Brain Damage)_

_-.-.-  
_

We were marching off to war to take the border more Westward, into Yomi's territory. It was maybe four hundred years ago, if I remember correctly. (At that all of the wars were just running together. I never bothered to remember dates if I didn't need to anyway.) When we were within a few days of our journey, a series of protesters blocked the path. All of them were women, all dressed in identical white robes. Apparently they were dressed especially for those who were terrified of conformity.

"Halt!" one of the protesters, who I already knew was the leader of the group, cried as she stepped forward. We took a few moments to stop, just because we were curious as to what we just walked in on. The woman was silent and the rest of the group just stared at her for guidance. One of the generals grumbled about how we had no time to wait on these women to figure out what they wanted us to do and ordered for the troops to get ready to march on. Immediately the leader said, "If you go past our line we will be forced to take violent action!"

There was a long silence again. We stood waiting for the women to make their point and still it never came.

"What happens to be the problem?" Kirin asked. I could tell that the waiting was killing him.

"We have found _enlightenment_," the leader finally said. That made perfect sense to those who enjoy the psychedelics.

"Is that in any way related to the war? If not we'll be forced to…"

"Yes. Very much so. We have found _enlightenment_."

"So you've told us. I fail to see how that relates to this war. Unless you're going to make your point, then we will just walk through you regardless of how profound your 'enlightenment' was. You have ten, no, five minutes to start making your case."

She leaned forward and stared at him, eyes crossed. She grabbed him by the shoulders, being forced to stand on the tips of her toes. He pulled his face away from hers, but she continued to close the space until their faces were about a few centimeters apart. By the time he stopped trying to back away, she was practically straddling him. She finally whispered to him, "You know something? You have a goddess in you."

"W… What?" He stepped back apparently disgusted at the thought. He finally got out of her grip.

"You have a goddess in you just as I have a goddess in me. We all have a goddess in us! This is because we a not ruled by many gods like everyone says but one _goddess_ who gave us all life and put a piece of herself in all of us! And you know why, my sister?" Kirin didn't even bother giving her a sign that he was listening to her insanity. She took his lack of response as a question by default."Okay so in the beginning, the goddess created the world and then she put us here. And what she did to give us life was by putting her mouth on the first people and giving them her breath so we're all breathing the breath of a goddess, which means that we all scare the same amount of divinity. _So_ by that logic we are all equal! Leaders like you shouldn't be here! We are all sisters in the eyes of our goddess Sarafim!"

"So that relates to this war how?"

"Every time you kill someone you kill a piece of the goddess! That's an unforgivable act! You should be punished with death!" She pointed an accusing finger at him. "All of you should!" She spat on the ground like it was supposed to punctuate her point. "It's like you guys always like to say- Eye for an eye, tooth for tooth, wound by wound, life for life! You took a life so you should also die."

"Why would you punish someone with death if that kills a piece of your goddess?" I asked her. "That goes against all your principles and it just causes an unending chain of deaths and it will only stop when everyone's dead. It teaches nothing."

"You cannot kill another piece of the goddess without cause! You are killing without cause!"

"We are-"

"No you're not! Over land! All land you see is Sarafim's land! It's our land! Not yours or your territory's! The goddess is the answer to everything!" All the women cheered and yelled insults about men. Most of the soldiers were beginning to think it was stereotypical of them.

"The goddess is the answer to everything, right?" I was starting to see where I can have fun with this. At least to make this less of a waste of our time. If you want my opinion, it's times like this that make me support some of Yomi's domestic policies.

"Yes!" At least she was seeing this as a challenge.

"So how would you solve economic crisis in the south?"

"Through the power of the goddess! Since money corrupts it will be demolished and the goddess's power shall overcome all!"

"The outbreak of disease?"

"The power of Sarafim!"

"Starvation?"

"The power of Sarafim!"

Here's the killer. "What's two plus two?"

"The power of…! Damn it! Four!"

"What…?"

She already saw right through me. Well, that's the end of that. "No more!"

"No. Tell me. What makes the sky green? What relates a stone to a beetle? What makes water run up a hill? What relates all these questions?"

"Sarafim!"

"Dumb ass!" a soldier laughed.

"That answer's wrong. You fail." We walked around them. I knew the women were all glaring knives into us, but if they were really as passionate as they thought they were, they would have at least tried to stop us. (I know that they were unarmed and we were a fully equipped army, but if they were really that determined, they would have still tried.) I didn't want them to gain any publicity because some of the soldiers killed them though. "If any of you try to kill them you probably won't live to see the next day. Onward."

-.-.-

There was a general meeting the three of us kings have once every year not long after that incident. I can't remember what we were discussing this time. That's another thing that ran together for me at that point. They were all the same anyway. Right after it ended Yomi confronted me. He made sure he had me in a corner. He probably thought it gave him the upperhand to do so. Or maybe he was cocky because I was feeling pretty neutral at the time.

"I notice that when you put your hands on a table, it sounds like metal is hitting it at the same time your hands do," Yomi sait without wait, without any build up. How tactless. Or maybe he thought the sudden jump into that conversation would be enough to make me just tell him everything.

"I notice that you never step anywhere near sharp objects. Afraid you would explode if you get pricked? I suppose if you use a bandage it would stop. Oh, wait, I forgot, hot air causes steam, doesn't it. I'm so forgetful sometimes, you know... So I suppose you should have a right to be afraid. For the record, I do have a dagger in my pocket, I'm sure you heard the sound of it on me. I think you might want to back off if you want to avoid that fate. I also don't want steam burns." What the hell did he want me to say anyway? Was he really that stupid?

He ignored that comment, refused to open up any space like a creeper, and went on. "Why would there be metal on your arms, Mukuro? Could it be that you have shackles on? Ironic considering that you made your territory strictly anti-slavery… I'm guessing that there's a correlation. I mean, we have no idea of your background so it could be quite possible that you're actually a lowly slave. I'm also guessing that you're in power only because you were tired of walking around in someone's _shit_."

I wasn't, but I was tired of having it in front of me at that time. "That's not the case at all. You have six ears yet you still have impaired hearing. That is if the word impaired even does your case any justice. But hearing fake crimes against the state must do that to your hearing..."

"_Which is ironic_," he went on irritably, "considering that your people aren't free at all…"

No, really. What the hell did he want me to say? _"Oh yes, you're absolutely right, Yom. I was a slave and that means everything to you." _They must play Pin the Tail on Yomi these days. "Yes, your people are a lot better with six to a city and all of which have an organ cut off or removed from their body any other way. I can see who's really got the better standard of living. I think it's depressing that they literally have to make themselves fall apart while you have everything in tact."

"…What with all your slave owners being persecuted. Can't stand the competition? I also heard about…" Or maybe he just doesn't know when to shut up.

"I heard that you castrate your males and preserve all the organs in a freezer and when you catch someone committing treason you break the jar on their head. Then they have a wonderful time of having popsicled blue mountain oysters. You should call up the motion picture industry and tell them you have an idea. Or possibly for a bad porn. It's all your choice. You get to listen to the whole thing anyway."

"You enjoy torture, don't you?" Oh, that's perfectly on topic.

"Don't bite your tongue. You'll bleed to death. And you better watch out when you talk. You might stab yourself."

Yomi had this look on his face like I just screamed something at him in tongues. I've seen computers with better programming than this guy. "You criticize the way I rule my people and say I kill more people than I need to. Care to explain why your second in command died?"

_How'd he get that information? _Not that it was anything that he wouldn't have figured out on his own. Or something his advisers would be able to figure out for him, I mean."Funny coming from the guy who can't keep a second in command for more than a month. So tell me how long are you planning to let that Sachi live?"

"I took no part in that and have no idea how they were slain."

"So you can hear all criticism against you but not the sound of a dying man? That is really convincing."

"You can just go to hell and rot."

"So tell me if you know this one. What makes the sky green? What relates a stone to a beetle? What makes water run up a hill? What relates all these questions?"

I'm sure that if he had eyes he would have rolled them at that moment. "I've heard that one before. It's nothing."

"A five year old told me that one. I wasn't sure if you could decode it. And make sure your Sarafists know that. If you don't kill them first that is."

"Sarafists?" He cocked a brow. He obviously hadn't heard of the cult. I figured he killed them before they could rise in his area. Though you would think that he would have been one of the first to run into this kind of thing, considering that they didn't really have much of a right to give birth how many times they wanted, among other things. "Is that one of your dictator police forces?"

"Funny coming from the real tyrant. So tell me… What makes an apple fall from a tree?" _He won't get this one._

"Gravity." Oh, Yomi, you were so sure of yourself.

"A kid with a stick."

He would have given me a blank stare if he could see. Then after a few moments he growled.

"You just understood that one? You're the type of animal that gets shot first. Or the animal that stops and turns around when he hears a gunshot. You should see a therapist if your reactions are that slow." Just as I started to walk away he asked me, "What do you have under those bandages anyway?"

"Why do you want to know? Is there some plan going behind that? No wonder you encourage homosexuality."

He twitched an eyebrow. "I want to know who the disgusting bastard is that I'm going to kill."

"In that case, I'm your father." I walked away from him. I wondered if he really believed me but I never gave it more thought. Though the answer should be a no-brainer.

On my way back I carved on a rock:

"_Forever and for never  
__What is and what isn't  
__And he walked to the sun"_

It didn't have a particular meaning. It was just something I carved just to leave something there. I thought it would get a meaning later. Or I would if anything at all.

-.-.-

"So Lord Mukuro… What did that carving mean?"

"About a man who jumped into a volcano."

"Say what?"

-.-.-

"_The lunatic is the hall  
__The lunatics are in my hall  
__The paper holds their folded faces to the floor  
__Everyday the paperboy brings more"  
__-Pink Floyd (Brain Damage)_

**EDITOR'S NOTES: People tell me that it isn't as good as it goes on but I like how easy it is to edit as it goes on. I mean, all I have to do from what I've been editing lately is just add more detail and pick out my typos. Other than that I'm good to go. I also liked in adding more of Mukuro's snarking at Yomi... even though that conversation had some unfortunate things going on there...  
I'm on financial hold... :(  
**


	11. Emotionless

**Title: One more Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Final countdown. And I'm not talking about the days I have left of school. This is about the end here. Trust me. This is short compared to everything else I've written. Plus depression's being a bitch and getting me in a slump so you won't have to wait, I'll find a good ending. I'll make **_**The Sopranos ending**_**. (Mukuro walked into the room... Your computer screen goes blank.)  
****Anyway... This one's weird. Sarah and Skeleton Man were both kinda based off Angela from Silent Hill 2. Skeleton Man's part was based on the last time you see her. Yeah, I'm a big Silent Hill fan. If you didn't already know that is. But I hated the movie. It was crap. They should have done the ending with the six Pyramid Head monsters instead of the barbed wire rape. I couldn't sit for a week after that. I felt too mentally tender.  
****I think it would be ironic if I updated this on Father's Day. (If you don't get it, I suggest you reread this whole fanfic and ask me if you STILL don't get it.) PS I put the translation of Yomi and Mukuro's conversation from the last chapter if you wanted to know. (It's still there.)  
**

_-.-.-  
__Chapter 11 Emotionless_

The Sarafists happened to appear again to gain women's rights. I don't remember ever granting them permission to track me down to fight for their cause, which was how things were supposed to be done. But apparently it happened. (They couldn't have just barged right in. They would have been dead before they reached me.)

Their leader who called herself Sara spoke first. "I've seen that you give slaves equal citizenship. I like that. You took one step closer to making us all equal. What I don't appreciate is how women basically have no rights still. Women could be raped and it's their fault for 'looking too appealing to the man'. I want that to change. I want women to be open to more jobs and for them to be allowed into the military.

"You're an honest man. I'll give you that. I haven't seen you do too much backstabbing. Well, you've started more wars than are necessary but you were true to your word and never tried to convince us that you were a peacemaker. (Actually, I never said anything about whether or not war continued. I just started them. The other side just liked to think i was stabbing them in the back. Or that I pulled a fast one on them. It's actually pretty amusing.) You haven't taken in any whores like I'm sure others have. Obviously Yomi's lacking in moral fiber. (_What, and I am not?_) I appreciate that. So because of that I assume that you must sympathize with me, no, us. I want you to make these changes on-" She opened a bag she brought with her looking for some list of demands.

"I won't look at it," I interrupted her.

"WHAT?" the second Sarafist clenched her fists. "You refuse without looking at it! There's some pretty reasonable stuff in there!"

"Do you really think everyone will immediately accept all that right now? You ask for immediate change. I can't just do that. I can't just tell people to change the way society has been formed. Not without a mass pointing of guns to people's heads, anyway. The people will change themselves. Ask for change among your villages, your towns, your cities. That's all you can do. I just can't do that. I have to take care of the military and laws but I can't take care of the minds of the people. Yomi did that and you see what' s wrong with his people. I don't want to be like him. I don't think you want me to either."

"She's wrong! You're not an honest man! You don't sympathize women!" the third Sarafist pointed an accusing finger at me. "You just think that we're all whores! You don't know what it's like to be a woman. You don't know the pain of being looked down upon. Have you ever been pregnant and endured all that for a miscarriage, stillborn or even just the pain of birth? No. You don't. It's not pleasant to be a woman but no rights makes it worse! It..."

"Enough! You rambling about how repressed your gender is making it worse for you. You say you're making a point but you made the point for the wrong side." I glanced at the group of twenty or thirty women. They're preaching to the choir. Besides, it would look strange if I made reforms like that so suddenly, alongside all my freeing of the slaves. People would have started to put two and two together. No matter what we say, people aren't that stupid. "I'll talk to your leader of your group and make everything work."

The second Sarafist screamed, "I don't want anyone in this room alone with you. How do I know that you won't do anything to our sister?"

"I'm an honest man, aren't I?" I raised an eyebrow at her. She couldn't see. As far as she was concerned, I was just smiling and letting the puppet strings pulls them around. "That's what your leader just said. I thought you would agree with her on something like that. But if we must come to some sort of an agreement.. Would it make you feel better if I told you that if I tried anything that made her feel uncomfortable in any way that she can scream and if she doesn't leave the room you can all burst in and kill me if need be."

"No! No, I don't believe you!" Sarah, the third Sarafist, reached down her shirt and took out a gun. At that point, I was reminding myself of what I was dealing with. These women weren't exactly the brightest in the bunch. I doubt that this woman ever fired at gun, especially at a target that could easily step out of the bullet's way. "The Goddess Sarafim gives me full permission to fire this and split your head. I'm from Grandara and proud of it. I won't feel bad about this."

"Sarah. Put it away. I made sure that that wasn't loaded. Sisters, don't worry. We shall come to a compromise. Leave now. I can talk to him easier man to man..." Sara glanced at me as if sizing me up. "Woman to woman. Goddess to goddess."

The Sarafists reluctantly walked out in a single file. Sarah spent the most time walking out as she kept glaring knives into me and she slammed the door behind her. Very intimidating. If I hadn't seen that thousands of times before.

"So what are your thoughts on women's rights?" Sarah asked. Straight to the point. They really were from Grandara.

"I appreciate your effort. It shows real dedication. I'll agree to make sure more jobs are available to women. I'll even make sure more schools would take women. That's the first step. It'll take time to make sure that these will be enforced, but I will see that this will happen. As for your suggestion for women in the military, I refuse to let that happen."

"Why refuse?"

"I don't want any... Odd behavior going on in the military. You know what I mean by that. That's one of the things outside of my control."

"I see." She was really fighting jumping at me and shoving her views down my throat again. I could tell by the way she was clenching everything together. My guess is that this woman is too used to having things handed to her. I really wish I knew what that's like. (No I don't. No one should know what that's like. That's poison. It just is.)

"While I do make those changes that won't mean everything completely unbiased. Until the balance between the genders is equal I'll try and keep track of the changes in employment and the education system. Like I've said several time, I'm unable to ensure that society will accept these kinds of changes."

"How about punishment? Is it equal for males and females? I've been told that women don't get the same punishments and they don't even get the death penalty. I don't want people to be killed but it's the principle, you must understand. Why should the male killer get the worse punishment than a woman? It's the same crime so we should get the same punishment. If we can both commit the same crime, I don't think weakness should be a factor."

Who wrote that law? Were they a bit dull when they thought of that? In any case... "It is in this country. If someone commits a crime, be it male or female, they would be sent to prison in the sentence decided upon by the courts. I rarely do executions."

"Do you now? I had the impression that you were a cold blooded killer."

Well, everyone knew that. Even people here knew that. (Funny how they still followed after me even though I could have been the one who murdered their family...) "Are you thinking of my past?"

"Yes. But I've only heard rumors. Rumors are rarely true. You know the rumor of the borders between the three kingdoms being heavily guarded? We found that to be false, as you can tell. But back to the point... There are also statistics that show more prisoners die in prison. What happens to be wrong here?"

Wasn't there a saying about how statistics are lies? Either way, statistics are full of shit and numbers are full of shit. That should be written. "I don't know how it happens. I figure that they're nationalists or radicals in this country that are killing the prisoners. I don't do anything because assuming alone won't help. It's not causing any problems as far as I'm concerned."

"I see. Well, we've gotten to a good start. A very good start, I'm surprised. By the way... About Sarah. You must excuse her. She's not a very stable person since she hasn't been in a stable relationship. I suppose that troubles her. In fact, I'm sure most Sarafists are troubled women coming from any unstable relationships. I think one is an escaped Ice Maiden. I don't understand her, leaving an isolated home. I don't even know how she got here considering their home is basically an island of ice in the sky. I don't even know why this one came down here in the first place. I'm glad to have her but... Ice Maidens, have you heard of them?"

"I haven't." Actually I heard a rumor about their existence. But they were usually regarded as the stuff of urban legend, considering how few people have actually seen one. Though that should be for obvious reasons.

"Ice maidens are from a floating island called something like Hyouga. All of its inhabitants are female and therefore reproduce asexually every one hundred years. Now, because producing children with other men produces a violent male child, they stayed isolated to avoid men and any problems they see here. That's what I've been told. It's really interesting... I would like to visit these women one day... I thought you knew that after Yomi tried to claim it was part of his territory some time ago. Raizen did make a few good jokes about that ordeal."

I should have remembered that. I never have trouble remembering Yomi's stupidity. "I see."

There was a pounding at the door. Then the door was shaken. There was the voice of Sarah, barely audible from beyond the walls. "Sara! Sara! Sister! I'll save you!"

"Sister! Calm yourself! We are still speaking!" Sara sighed and grumbled something under her breath. She looked at me as if regaining focus. "You don't have an heir. You know that? I really don't see why you don't at least have a wife. We know Yomi has a son, or is planning to have a son, anyway. Raizen... I don't care enough about Raizen to know what's going on with him. But you... You're the smartest of the three, I'll give you that. But you have no one to take after you."

"No, I don't. I don't plan on having one either," I replied. Though I didn't see why people can't just accept an election. In fact, I don't see how this kingdom can even continue after my death. There's just too many expectations associated with the next one in line.

"Why not? If you die and you don't have an heir it'll be all out chaos!"

"Well I do love raising hell. If anything my second in command would just take over my position no questions asked."

"Sister!" Sarah burst into the room pointing the gun at me. She had the craziest look on her face. It was the look dogs get when they're charging at you. "You...! You...! You bastard! Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do to my sister! I know you! I know men! Men are evil! All of you need to die!" She pulled the trigger but found that the gun was unloaded. (Apparently she couldn't have just tried to kill me with her own hands.) She threw it to the ground. "You bastard, you hear me...? You hear me! You bastard? You hear me you bastard? I know what you were going to do. You're only after one thing. You were going to rape her, weren't you? I hate you! You should be punished with death and burned in hell!"

"Peace, Sarah," Sara whispered. I could see at this point she was starting to get embarrassed.

"No! No! I won't! Unless... It'll make you love me... Will it make you love me? Will it make you love me, mama?" She fell to her knees in tears. Hell, this woman was more destroyed than we thought. I could somewhat comprehend what was running through her mind at the time... I didn't pursue her thoughts any further. "No! Mama! Mama! Why? You're stealing her away!"

"Sister..." Sara started to walk to her to giver her comfort. Sarah pushed her away, eyes still wide. She crawled away on all fours and continued to cower.

"I just want you to know..." I made sure they could hear my voice, the real one. Not the distortion that everyone else seemed to know. "Just for the record I don't quite understand the battle of the sexes. I have yet to understand where this idea of men being higher than women and where women being better than men came from. All I know is that males tend to attack each other physically and females tend to attack each other emotionally. Males tend to worry about their emotional appearance while women tend to worry about their physical appearance. I don't entirely sympathize with you because most of what you've done is complain not matter how many times I tell you can't do anything to change your placement among other people. I won't ask the impossible of my people."

"I... Is that your voice?" Sara gasped once she got out of her speechless state. "That's not masculine at all! Are you... Are you...? That's impossible... You can't be a..."

"Mind tricks! Mind tricks, I tell you! Don't let him fool you. He's bluffing. He's got you under his spell. Just you wait. He'll have you under his wing by the next hour and then... And then-" Sarah stopped herself. "You like his trickery. That's why. He won't rape you... It won't be rape because you want to be in his bed. Sarafim won't like this. She's crying. I see her. Right now. She's in my dreams and she tells me that you Nagare Yuiko will be damned in hell for your sins. She tells me... 'Hina Saname, you must stay away from Nagare Yuiko. She is a bad girl... A bad girl.' You're a bad girl, sister. She told me."

"If need be, I could split your head open with a snap of my fingers." Despite the fact that I couldn't really snap my fingers, she still fell on the ground in convulsions. When things escalate to this level, you use what weapons you have to get what you need.

"Sister Sarah! Sister Sarah! Saname! Saname! Saname Hina!" Sara shook her but froze when Sarah produced with a knife from her shirt. How many weapons did this woman bring with her?

"I love you Mama. I hope you love me now Mama..." She tore her shirt open and pierced her heart. She died a minute later and died with her real name: Saname Hina.

The Sarafists broke up some time after that. I don't know if they were aware of Sarah/Saname Hina's suicide or if they all decided that I was, or possibly that Sara/Nagare Yuiko, killed her. Or if they even spoke of the whole thing after knowing the victories they gained. In any case, I didn't see any of the members until the 1960's, and even then they were no longer the group that they used to be. It was a much smaller group with much less support. The leader Sara (She was Yuiko Nagare until the 1970's when she married and changed her name to Yukiko Ichikawa Nagasei, so the records say.) didn't turn up until 1969 when she worked as a prostitute, for some reason (Couldn't she have found something better than that?) and later in 1986 when she became a common housewife.

I remember after that meeting with the cult. I took a nail and punctured it into the middle of my palm. I just found the closest one lying around and I took it. I stared at it for a moment. I thought of the things that made those women do what they did, thought of you being the main obstacle in their way. Just thought of the hideousness that was you that should have been erased. My head started to pound. I began to think that there was one thing I could have done at the moment. All I could do was drive it through my palm, the excruciating pain of it going through the nerves in my hand... And I watched as it went through and pierced through the other side of my hand. I could feel the blood, warm, dripping down off my hand, down my arm, just dripping into emptiness.

"What did you do to your hand?" Kirin asked as if it were just a broken arm. His eyes were wide when he saw what I did to myself. And I knew he knew that I did it to myself. No one else would have been able to do it me.

I couldn't think of another way of putting it. I held it up and stared at it some more. "I punished myself. I knew I was weak. I always was weak. I needed them to punish me for my sins. I couldn't do it myself." That being said, I started to push it in and out of my palm, feeling the pain, watching as some of the flesh and skin rolled off with the nail's movement.

He held out a hand to get me to stop. But he felt too much that he couldn't touch me. I knew that. He just held out a hand. The best that he could say was, "You should get yourself some rest. You don't sound like you're feeling that good right now." His voice wavered in fear. He never saw this kind of thing happen before and maybe he never felt this way before. He really has a long way to go. "I'll find someone to fix that wound. It looks... painful. I don't think you want something like that to get infected either."

"A scratch can heal in an hour or two. A cut can heal in a day or two. A gash could heal in a year or more. But they all scar nonetheless. What's a scar to a dying man anyway?"

He still didn't understand.

_-.-.-  
__But it was only fantasy  
__The wall was too high as you can see  
__No matter how he tried he could not break free  
__And the worms ate into his brain  
__-Pink Floyd (Hey You)  
-.-.-_

It was a cemetery. It used to be a village but now it's only a valley of ashes. Still to this day, it's that way. It still looks the way it that day. Something that a photographer would masturbate to when it comes to award winning images- an anemic woman crawled to her emaciated husband. She saw he was long dead and cried the last tears she had. She cried, even though she knew that she had nothing left to let her do that. All I saw was two skeletons embracing in hell.

A teenaged boy ran out into the open dropping his shotgun as he did. He ran to us with open arms. "Mama!" Then he fell face flat into the ground. This skinny boy was delusional. This boy was a skeleton too. I was surprised he fit in the uniform he was wearing. The boy continued to moan for his mother. Then it came to an abrupt stop. Kirin walked to the boy, rolled him over, holding down his limps, and checked his breathing.

"Still breathing," Kirin said to himself. "Take him... He could be useful."

When he came to, I talked to him. I always did that just for no apparent reason. I used to think it was a good way to get into the enemy's heads, and it made it even easier to figure out how to fight the enemy. This way we could more easily know what makes them tick. This time was different. This time was more like understanding... Well, I don't know what I was fighting to understand, actually.

When the prisoner saw me come in, he leapt to the door. He screamed again, "Mama! Mama!" Then he realized it was just me. The dream was over for him at that point apparently. It took him a few moments to realize that it was. "...No, you're not."

And that killed me. It really did. It tore me for some reason. I still don't know why. "No. I just wanted to say..."

He grabbed the bandages on my face, held them tightly in his hand, daring me to try and stop him, and tore them off. He watched in some strange amusement to see the weak face that could have been hiding behind the mask. Instead of finding something to attack he saw me. He saw a woman. He stared at me with disbelief. "And you're not a man. Are you really Mukuro?"

There's no more room for lies here. "Yes. Since we're introducing ourselves, care to tell me your name?"

The boy shook his head too vigorously. I was actually waiting for his neck to snap in half from the force of it turning, from the weakness in his thin bones... "No. I'm no man anymore. Just call me Skeleton Man if you need to call me anything at all. You wanna know why thy call me Skeleton Man." He rolled up his sleeve to show his arm was only skin and bone to prove his point. He went silent. "You gotta knife on you?"

"Yes. Why?" I knew the answer. We both knew the answer.

"Can I have it?"

"No."

"Keeping it for yourself?"

"No. I don't... Want to kill myself." I said it almost mechanically. No, I did say it mechanically. I said it because I had to. "Don't do it. You can come with me and..."

"And what then? Would it make you love me? I got no Mama, anymore, because of you. I'm with Raizen and you're Mukuro. What the hell can you give me? Are you gonna make me your son or something? Or are you sick or something and make me your... No, you won't do that. I know you won't. I can see that you're not that person. But I still don't see what you can give me. What are you gonna give me? Can you take away the pain? You wanna know what my life's been turned into because of you...? So do you really think you could replace my mother...? Do you?" I couldn't answer. His face lost color and looked like he was on the verge of tears. I suppose he really wanted me to say that I could just take him in as one of my own. Take him in and replace his... "That's what I thought."

It was silent. I really can't say anything to that. I really can't. "It's hot as hell in here."

"Really now? For me it's always like this. It's always hell for me. It's always me against someone and me always being held down. Mama always protected me... And you know, I'm an asshole because I can't do the same for her. I never did the same for her. I never actually gave her anything back. I never did..." He stared at me and banged a fist on the table. "It's not fair... You look like her. You look like my mom. Almost to the last hair. Except the eyes and the scars. But you look like my damn mom. And you killed her. It's your fault. But still..." He shook his head. "It kinda makes me... It makes me want to find something to live for. But sometimes..." He pulled a pistol from a coat pocket and pointed it to his head. "You know sometimes, I just want to-"

"Hey don't-" -_pull the trigger!_ He already did. The bullet beat me to his brain. I put the bandages on my face (The room didn't have windows. That might also be why there was a high death rate for prisoners of war now that I think about it.) and walked out. And there were no nails this time.

Kirin heard the shot and asked me what happened. I only told him to bury Skeleton Man. I remembered why. I saw myself in those eyes. I was that child in desperation. He was me. And a siren went off in the distance.

_For you, Skeleton Man._

-.-.-  
_Hey you don't tell me there's no hope at all  
__Together we stand Divided we fall  
__-Pink Floyd (Hey You)_

**Notes: Fuck. This was weird to edit and I don't care. I liked Silent Hill 2 too much back then. ...And caps lock.**_  
_


	12. Breakless

**Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Hey there everyone. Long time no see. These next two updates are the last. Hope you enjoyed. Actually this was a good place for me to end. I've lost my touch since I got put on meds. So... Yeah. This may be our last Mukuro fic from me. I don't know. Depends on how things work out for us all. (EDIT: It's worked out just fine actually. You know how much I've written since this was published? A lot.)  
****The Dark Tournament. Why in the 40s? The manga was put out during 1990. So fifty years back is 1940. Ha. Beat that 2000's people.  
Kekkai barrier has bothered me. Why didn't Mukuro cut it down if demons wanted to get out? And... Hiei stuff. (EDIT: The Kekkai wasn't cut down because apparently she can only cut space and not dimensions. I still have no fucking idea what the difference is.)  
**

**Chapter 12 Breakless**

The Dark Tournament finally came back. The last one was sometime in 1940. (About the time the demons said they would have liked to get their hands on some dictator out in the human world because she looked so small and plump. That's the only way I could keep track of what year it was.) It's a relief to have them. Crime dies down more and the demons are too busy getting tickets and going to Hanging Neck Island and sitting in front of televisions and radios to care about causing trouble. No one wants to march up to me and demand reform or demand that I touch them or anything. It's a real relief...

...Apparently the winner of this Tournament was a human named Yusuke Urameshi.

Yusuke Urameshi...? I've heard that name before. There was a rumor before the Tournament that there was a human-a fourteen year old boy, so they said- that was jumping into Demon World affairs. Apparently, he was able to defeat Suzaku from Maze Castle along with the four other Saint beasts Byyako, Seiryu, and Genbu. It was also said he singlehandedly defeated Rando and that he also had dueled with the Toguro brothers before the Tournament. Supposedly at the tournament, Yusuke Urameshi was able to kill the younger brother and the older brother was killed by the younger. Or something to that effect. I don't know the details. That wasn't what I was interested in.

Actually I wasn't too interested at all. I honestly didn't care that Youko Kurama reappeared and that it turned out he was a human in disguise under the name of Minamino Shuichi. (Who even gets into that much detail when giving a report of everything that happened at the tournament anyway? Did they even call the guy by either name?) I didn't care that someone named Hiei managed to master the Dragon of the Darkness flame, the first of all the people that have tried in the past. (Though I sarcastically stated that he could just have a nice pat on the back for raising the bar.) It didn't matter, did it?

...I thought so. At the time, anyway. It would take years for it to come to mind again.

-.-.-

Something odd happened not too long ago. I think it was a couple of months ago when it happened. There were reports of an opening in the Kekkai barrier. It was thought at the time to be some scheme of Spirit World to lure demons to their trap. It had to be. There was no other reason for there to suddenly to be a hole in the barrier. But I knew that people were still flooding to leave this world.

...A word about the Kekkai barrier. It was put up around the 1300's to keep us S and A class demons out of the human world because we were apparently "causing too much trouble." Ironically, a B class and lower demon could cause just as much damage if they wanted to. Hiei and Kurama could turn the human realm into a living hell if they used their powers. In fact there's nothing stopping a B class or lower from gaining power on the other side. There's also technology in the works which could fool the barrier. I think Raizen might already have it done (for once, Yomi might be outdone). I just can't help but feel that he has. But I never thought much of it. If the people wanted to leave, they can stay for all I care.

For the first hour there wasn't any Spirit World agents waiting out there for anyone so most demons assumed it was okay to escape. There was only one explanation of that. Someone cut down the barrier. After all those years the soldiers bothered me about it, someone actually did it. Even if it was just a trap, that still takes a lot of gall...

I remember a soldier several years ago asked me, "Lord Mukuro, why don't you cut down the barrier if you can cut space?"

"Yes, Lord Mukuro. Why don't you? It could end any hunger crisis and no one will have to fight over food except maybe Raizen's place. I think you should do it," another added with the same amount of enthusiasm. Neither thought they were standing on the line by asking that, apparently.

"It's called natural selection. Survival of the fittest. If you can't find food for yourself as it is you die. You get enough to survive. You don't have to eat so much that you start to gain weight. It's simple as that. I won't do it for the sake of someone who can't live for themself. By begging me to cut down the barrier for you you're admitting your weakness and telling me that I don't have men in my army but a bunch of yellow bellied dogs with their paws on the table begging their master for food off their plate. What a disgrace." I walked away with them.

Not long afterward Kirin asked me, "Is that the only reason you won't cut down the barrier?"

He was sharp. I'd give him that. "Are you admitting that you're weak too?"

"No. It just seemed that that wasn't the only reason. I just wanted to know if I was right or wrong. I don't care about that damned barrier myself." He shrugged. "You might have your reasons and whatever they are, I don't want you to tell me. I just know that you have something else in mind. In fact, you probably didn't even mean that."

He was really thinking he knew me that well. Maybe he did know plenty about me, but at that point, I realized that this person I once knew was no longer the same. In fact he was almost walking in the other direction at that point. It bothered me to know that change had happened. I still don't know what he was trying to prove though. "You suspect too much. You get heart attacks if you worry about too much, you know that? That is the only reason I refuse to cut it, Kirin. Be glad you're wrong. I'm kind to my people to a certain extent. I'm not that generous."

"I see." He walked away. He still walked as though he won the war.

In truth there was another reason. When Spirit World caught wind that I could cut through dimensions after I took rulem they told me that I couldn't use it to cut the Kekkai barrier down if I wanted my life. I agreed without argue. I had no plans to do it anyway. Not if my life depended on it. They could stab me in the back for it later and I have a feeling they would. Though I've been told that not even Spirit World could really hurt me. I didn't want to risk it. I don't want some execution to kill me.

Still... After all these years, someone did it. Someone released our hell into their world. I was tempted to go back because of nostalgia... That time when it was simple. When I could just walk on my own without a bunch of people kissing the ground I walked on. Just to see what had become of the oppressed people on the other side... I ignored it. There was too much going on at the time. It was that Yusuke Urameshi.

We later found out what was going on. It was that Yusuke Urameshi again. Him and Youko Kurama, that Kuwabara, and that Hiei. I was told they were chasing some human for no known reason. They did destroy a good part of the desert, I've been told. No one was able to say much more.

Someone also said they saw Yusuke Urameshi and described him as a fourteen (Or fifteen, his age was hard to tell; it's hard to tell a human's age in general. They age quickly... Like an animal.) somewhat muscular, but mostly just thin, and about my height. I thought he would be bigger and more intimidating. (But he's a human...) Why else would Youko Kurama associate with the likes of him? Then again he was acquainted with Yomi.

-.-.-

More news came not much longer after that. Raizen was about to die and it was more than we already knew. His death was really approaching quickly. It was estimated that he would die in two year's time or maybe less. Yomi was already readying his troops. He sure is in a hurry isn't he? (But that's not out of character for him. He has to have something to make him feel protected just so he could sleep at night.) Doesn't he know that even if he caught my troops off guard I could still defeat him?

-.-.-

Yusuke Urameshi is Raizen's heir.

It explained everything. Yusuke Urameshi is Raizen's heir. Only a human with demon's blood in his veins could do what he does. It explained that and his acquaintance with Youko Kurama. Yomi took back Youko Kurama, obviously because of their past together, a few months ago... As for me... Well, what I was thinking...

Who did I have left to choose between? The human Kazuma Kuwabara and Hiei the master of the Dragon of the Darkness Flame. I thought back to the cutting of the barrier. Which could do that? A human couldn't possibly cut down any barrier. A human without demon blood rarely can have powers and even then something like cutting a barrier had to be beyond their abilities... It had to be Hiei.

Hiei.

There was a familiarity in that name. It felt like hearing a long lost friend's name after hundreds of years of separation. But it can't be that. We've all heard of Hiei. Just something slight about him. I know he's made a name for himself around the different parts of Demon World, particularly in Raizen's territory. (Was he from there? No one seems to know, actually. He kind of talks like a person from there, though.) All that everyone can agree upon is that he's a bandit and a cold blooded killer. I do remember an interesting account about how he murdered three people with this huge grin on his face... But... Something's strange and it's annoying me to no end. For some reason he made me think of the Tear gem. _Why?_

In any case he can have the damned thing back. It caused me more trouble as it was. If it's his at all. And if it isn't the bastard can still have it. He could find a use for it, no matter how ridiculous. I really don't care.

I'm lying. It didn't cause me any trouble. I actually liked having that Tear Gem with me. But if it's his, he really could have the damned thing back. Give me a good night's sleep for once.

And it reminded me of everything Kazuki told me. When he told me that no one can live alone. Once again I ask- why. All I want is for these thoughts to stop so I could get a good night's sleep for once. I can't remember what it's like, but I wouldn't mind learning.

**EDIT: Wow, that last part really could have used some more detail. This is another part with a gaping hole. Her reason for pulling Hiei like she did could be negotiable. We don't actually know why she did. I mean, she said what it was but it was still kind of ambiguous. ...She really liked the Tear Gem. It was like a sponge and it sucked the sad away... (Pretty much.) I really don't understand the difference between dimensions, space, and universes, no matter what deaddog tells me.**


	13. Endless

**Title: One More Time To Kill the Pain  
****Notes: Last one guys. A good or bad thing depending on how you look at it. Anyway thanks a bunch for reading this whole thing through. By the way, tell my psycho fangirl to review my crap. I haven't seen her in a while. (EDIT: lol, you really are serious...? No, I actually wasn't.)  
**

**Chapter 13 Endless/ Epilogue**

I can't look in the mirror anymore. I don't think I was ever able to look in the mirror, to really see the monster that looks back at me is. I can't tell who the woman (Or is it a man? I can't tell masculine facial features from feminine anymore. No matter how much someone may teach me, I really can't see the difference. It's all a big blur to me...) in the reflection is anymore. I look in the mirror and think, who the hell is that looking at me? What the hell is looking at me? What the fuck is it going to do if I keep staring at it? I see death in its eyes.

It's numb. I'm so numb. I don't care. Sometimes numbness is comfort. Sometimes numb can take you away and let you flow away to paradise. Numb is what death uses to take you to the next world. I don't know if I can enjoy this numb...

Still staring at this beast that looks at me from the glass in the mirror, in glass in general, even in water. That horrible thing that should just strangle itself. Sometimes everyone could do better without this gaping hole walking around... Then the thoughts turn to you. In truth, I don't really remember what you look like. I have a vague outline. But outlines tell you nothing, really. I remember thinking we looked a like, but I never remember the true image. I start to think that maybe it's your ghost, your spirit looking back at me. Is it you, looking for me in desperation? Are you looking for me to take back what was done? Looking for the forgiveness that I'll never give you. No matter what you do I'll never forgive you.

Just rot. Just fucking rot. Just die somewhere and have the animals pick at your fucking flesh. No, even that's too good. No, those animals would keel over in the poison that is your flesh and blood. Nothing's good enough for you, father. Nothing. Even your existence is too good for you. Your corpse would rot the ground where your grave sits. There aren't enough words out there to describe the shit that you are...

How far are you going for forgiveness? Are you sitting by the phone with your ear by the wall waiting for me to call out and forgive you? Are you there somewhere sitting in the dark wilting away? Or are you back to your daily chores like nothing happened, like you were always alone, like Mother and I never existed? Are you even alive? Are you dead now? Have you answered everyone's question, their quest for God, or a goddess or gods and goddesses? Are you that wandering spirit with me in your choke hold?

Were you the desperate man I saw looking for his daughter with the shaky hand holding the bottle of whiskey, looking to get his daughter to forgive you?

Do you know who I am? Did you ever wonder about the second king named Mukuro? Did you happen to notice a coincidence? A king named Mukuro who has his face covered. It's pretty strange if you even have the ability to think. I'm sure you must have let it cross that empty space you call a mind.

Not that you cared.

You never cared. No matter what you said to me, you never gave a flying fuck what the hell I was going to. All you wanted was that nice fuck at the end of the day. It's not your body that's being invaded. It's not you that was torn apart. Because you were the one doing it. And it never came back around. (Oh and if it could, father, if it could. You fuck.) You never gave a shit about me.

...

I've been told that Hiei's always glaring at someone or something that he's always angry. He claims that he's just angry, just like everyone says. A self-fulfilling prophency. I really don't see it. He looks more depressed than anything else. He speaks like he feels hatred for everything. There was something very fake about it. There was something very fake about his hatred. He doesn't even know what he's feeling. It's just like

There was something in his eyes. I saw it when I saw Skeleton Man's eyes. I see it when I look in the mirror. It was desperation in the eyes. He has the same desperation I have in my eyes. It's not exactly wanting to just tear everything apart to quench his rage. Just desperation... But desperate to find what? Something to relieve his hatred? But we can relieve each other's hatred one way or another. (Why am I saying that...?) Some beauty in the world, this world overloaded with ugliness?

But isn't that what we're looking for- a way to justify the suffering in the world? We say that if we suffer in the world we'll be given a good place in heaven. How many rulers have promised their fellow revolutionaries that they'll make their country a better place top be? But hell, in the end we all are fucked by life.

Why condemn us to hell? Why find a reason? We're all in purgatory now. Why depend on a god to make choices for us, to make our happiness for us, to decide what's right and wrong for us when we can do it ourselves?

...

...

Raizen is dead. I know that. I am too. Not physically but mentally. We both are. We're just living for nothing really. So why am I still living? Haven't I asked that enough times already? I ask that just about every chance I get. Especially before the few hours' sleep I get. I think for now it's my foolish pride enjoying my high position. Lately's there's been an odd force that I can't place.

I've been an outsider on emotions for years. All I've felt was anger and depression. What if I'm not angry anymore? What if I'm not depressed anymore? Now what? It's just the numbness from before I suppose.

Or am I just lonely? After all those years of completely isolation I'm lonely? You were right, Kazuki. No one can live alone. I just realized that, just like a fool, realizing it after it's all gone to hell and crashed all around your feet. It's suddenly come back to get me. I kept myself alone for all those years because that was all I knew. I didn't understand socializing with anyone but you. Even then, that was just a half-assed, no, less than that, that was just a fraction of an effort. You started me as a loner because you didn't want me taken away. It's taken its toll. I feel like same child staring at all the toys and not knowing which to choose. And all of them are broken...

There's nothing left to do but douse the emotions away... Just as I've said, I'm numb... And now I'm realizing that this numbness won't catch me. I'll just fall to my death as this numbness slowly ebbs away...

I can't help but wonder though if I'm the grim reaper in everyone's eyes still. (After all these years I'm asking that...) I wonder if I'm still the angel of death. Hell, who gives a damn? It's been so long since it mattered. All I can hear anymore is everyone saying, "Yes, yes, yes." I could tell them I'm a fool and I'd still get the unanimous, "Yes, yes, yes..."

...

...

...

So here I am, father in danger of war. But if I die, you wouldn't care, would you?

Oh. You never cared. No one ever cared about me. No one.

-.-.-

Sing with me, sing for the years  
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears  
Sing with me if it's just for today  
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away  
-Aerosmith (Dream on)

-.-.-

An earnest battle is the best regardless of one's capabilities. -Mukuro

-.-.-

_Don't you remember me father? The daughter you loved to torture?_

**EDIT: Oh, that's a way to go out with a bang, a bunch of typos. Good jorb.**** Anyway, I've come to the end of this and I've done all I could at the moment. There might be a third edition, who knows. But I've done all I could. I should post the first chapter edited soon... (as of 10/21/10, it has yet to be done.) Anyway, thanks to those who went through this again and thanks to those who stumbled on this one.**

**I'm sorry for inconsistencies. Like I said, I've done all I can.  
**


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